Weekend Sweets: GF Pumpkin Cookies

I'm still on my Gluten Free Cookie kick.
Even though it's past Thanksgiving, I still think pumpkin can be used for a few more weeks. Then it'll switch over to peppermint. But for now, I'm still white girl crazy about pumpkin.

So I made Gluten Free Pumpkin Cookies.
And I had a little help…

These cuties helped mix, dump, and stir all the ingredients together.
It's a pretty easy ingredient list, but because it's gluten free, you have to find a flour mixture you like. I don't think the recipe needs a specific one, per say. I used Pamela Mix.

• Cookies:
• 1 cup light brown sugar (I used dark)
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup canola oil (I used half coconut/half veggie oil because I ran out of coconut and that's the only other one I had on hand)
• 1 15 oz. can pumpkin
• 2 eggs lightly beaten
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 3½ cups flour King Arthur gluten free flour (I used Pamala Mix) 
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp baking powder
• ½ tsp salt
• 2 T pumpkin pie spice
• Icing:
• 2 oz cream cheese, room temperature
• ½ cup powdered sugar
• ¼ cup Greek yogurt (I used honey flavored)

Like any pumpkin cookie, it was moist and delicious.
If you wanted to make it dairy free, don't put on the icing. I personally think they're good either way.
The recipe made almost 4 dozen cookies so there are plenty to share. I'm sure if you made the cookies a little bigger, then you'd make a few less. But 3 1/2 cups of flour makes a lot of cookies.
Just a helpful hint, the icing doesn't really dry, so stacking the very moist cookie with icing makes for a bit of a mess. You might want to have multiple Tupperware containers with you.

I'd definitely make these again.
<3XOT

Wednesday Review: Lady Dates

My friend and I go on dates.
Because we're both ladies, we've coined the term "Lady Date".
We try to do them as often as we can, but sometimes life gets in the way.

Recently, we have been able to do a couple to great local places.
First, Town Hall Tap.
Second, 612Brew.
They were both really good - and the best company I could ask for!

So, Town Hall Tap is down in South Minneapolis. Actually, it's located on the same block as Sovereign Grounds - a local coffee shop that I take my Little Bean.
It's about 3/4 miles off 35W. Super easy commute from all directions. Parking gets a little convoluted, because it's all street parking. It's actually tucked back in all the shops. Nothing flashy, no great big signs.
Once we parked, we were able to go right in and get a high top near the bar. The waitress was very prompt and friendly. I had previously looked at the food menu, but not their beer selection. Boy was I in for a decision. I can't remember which one I ended up getting - I changed my mind like 100 times, then the waitress recommended something and I went with it. Like most locally brewed beer, I enjoyed it!
Then came the food. At home, I had limited my selection to three options. But when Ryanne ordered a brat, I did too! I got the "The Works" - Sauerkraut, onion, sweet relish, shredded cheddar, and mustard. You would not have wanted to kiss me after, but it was so good. The brat had a good flavor, not too spicy, but just enough to give it a distinct flavor. It was juicy and filled the bun. The toppings were all marvelous. It was definitely an indulgence, but was completely worth it. The shoestring fries had a house seasoning on them and they were perfectly salty, just how I like.
The only thing I would change is giving me a bigger plate! The staff was punctual, the food was delicious, the beer was smooth, and it was overall a great price.
It's not really a convenient location, but well worth a night out for a date. It wasn't completely out of the way if you wanted to head back to Uptown or Southdale to catch a movie. It's about a 15 minute drive either way. I will definitely go back!

So then we went to 612Brew. Not a lot of people have heard about this. But, I used to work in the building next door and frequent Spyhouse Coffee - also for lady dates! It's a fun little building. There's a CorePower Yoga place in the building too. Totally hipster. Totally Minnesotan. It's right on the intersection of Broadway and Central. The parking lot is normally full because of everything there, but you can usually find a spot or two.
Walking in on a Saturday night was a bit overwhelming. There were lots of groups and all the tables were taken. So we snaked into the bar, where we found two seats in between a couple couples. No big deal. We talked to the bartender and he told us his favorites. He was super pleasant and knew about what he was supposed to know about. I ordered a Payback - an oatmeal porter. Really good! It was 7.2% and had a nice sweet flavor to complement the thickness. I also ordered a Rated R - a rye IPA (also their most popular beer) and it was great, too! I'm not super into hoppy beer, but I wanted to be popular (jkjk). It was really good and I'm a sucker for anything citrus, so that evened out the hops.
They don't have an open kitchen so we went to the food truck outside. It was a hibachi grill on wheels. How awesome is that? I had their chicken meal - served with fried rice and veggies, added yum yum sauce and scarfed it down like there was no tomorrow. Rave reviews for them, too! Go find them and order some food.
Overall, the night was a super success. Partly because we found am awesome group of girls and had great fellowship. The food was yummy, the beer was amazing and local, and we laughed all night!

I'm sure we'll check out more local places this winter - and hopefully meet some more great people! I'm so thankful I'm here in Minneapolis and the friendships I've created and the places it's lead me.

<3XOT

Weekend Sweets: Peanut Butter Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

This weekend's sweets experiment was a cookie.
A cookie that falls into my GF choices.

This cookie has no gluten, no flour period, no dairy. Just lots of yummy ingredients that blend into a soft, fluffy cookie! This cookie is approximately 150 calories.

The peanut butter I used was this fun jar I just found at Trader Joe's - crunchy and salted with flax and chia seeds. Why not help your digestion? Cause lesbihonest, you're going to want to eat all of these.

The recipe came from THIS blog, which I love! I love that it's called the Ambitious Kitchen…because that's how I live my kitchen life too. Always something new!

My cookies look a little more dry than the ones in the picture, so I wonder if the add ins to the peanut butter took some of the moisture out? But they are really good!
Next time, I would add more chocolate chips. The peanut butter isn't too over powering, but it masks the chocolate chips. I love the oatmeal in the cookie, because it gives it even more texture!

It was fun to try a new gluten free recipe - I'm sure no one will even know unless they ask!
Here's the recipe! (PS: I used gluten free oats)

<3XOT

Wednesday Review.

I had a lovely time talking to my mama last night.
We talked about everything from food to boys to family to me being extremely homesick because I'm going home in a month.

All the while I'm trying to make pizza.
Now, I'm a great multi-tasker, but when I'm caught up with my mom, there's really no telling where my mind is going to go. I messed up, but it still tastes great!

I used Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Pizza Crust, whole grain mix.
It actually turned out really well.

Review:
The crust was the same thickness of a "hand tossed" pizza. It wasn't too thick which was good, because as much as I love carbs, when it comes to pizza, I want the toppings. Like most other GF products, the top was a little flaky. But it didn't fall apart and I loved that. I followed the directions on how to cook it before and after the toppings. That was the perfect amount of time to cook it all the way through and not leave it tacky or gnaw-y.
On top, I added red sauce from Trader Joe's. It was the only pizza sauce I could find that didn't have added sugars to it. It's actually a really good sauce and I've used it before. It's pretty neutral when it comes to pizza sauces. Tastes just like an original Ragu. I bet if you put extra basil or garlic in it, it could change the taste a little. I personally love chunky sauce, but this sauce is smooth.
On top of that, I put spinach, cage-free grilled chicken, and shredded mozzarella cheese.
It made about an 8-in pizza and I have half the dough for next week. The package said two-12 inchers or one 18-incher. So if you have a family, one pack could feed you all. The instructions say, if you split it, it can stay in the fridge for a few days. I'm testing it to see if it can last for a week in the fridge. If it does, then I might just start having a pizza night and try mixing up the sauces and ingredients to make it not so plain.

Overall:
I think it was really good! Nothing special in terms of pizza. But, it is fresh and I know I'm not putting crazy toxins in my body with these ingredients, so I know I won't have the "Pizza Regret" feeling in the morning.
The time from beginning to end was probably a little longer because I was talking to my mom and messed up the dough to begin with. But it is very easy to mix together and only needs to rise for 20 minutes. It cooks for 7 minutes, add toppings and 15 more. So it's definitely not a "quick" pizza, but it doesn't take as long as making from scratch.

[So my screw up was I added the water to the flour mix before adding the yeast. So, I just drained the water into another bowl, added the yeast and then re-added it back into the flour mix when it had sat for a while. I added a little bit of my GF flour to it at the end, when I rolled it out.]

My tweakings: 
It said to make in a mixer, and I just used a bowl and spoon. No kneading needed. It also says to put plastic on it to let it rise, I just put a wet paper towel. So maybe if I didn't mess up the yeast it would affect how the crust rises? Personally, I loved it as is, so I'll mess up each time.

<3XOT

Clean Eating

So I'm doing this detox. Let me run through it with you…

Week One Thoughts:
I lost 6lbs and one inch around my waist. That was not the intention, but it just happened. I've also felt lighter. The energy is there. I always can use more sleep, but I feel lighter and better about myself.

So the main thing is cutting out toxic things from your diet. The biggest thing I noticed is I am CONSCIOUSLY grocery shopping and there is hidden sugar in everything!
So I went to buy spaghetti sauce the other day and it's so hard to find a sauce with just tomatoes and spices. It was such a wake up call about how much I'm not noticing.I have a fairly healthy diet, but clearly there's so much more I can do.

Week Two Thoughts:
It was a little harder in week two. There was no significant weight loss. Half a pound.
I still was able to work out like I wanted and loved making dinners that were healthy and filling.
Cravings started to kick back in. Not badly, but with Halloween on the horizon, I wanted chocolate. Which leads to cake, to wine, to just nothing that is good for me.

Week Three Thoughts:
Then came Halloween. Which totally derailed me.
I had some beer. And by some, I mean I got drunk and ate a cookie out of someone's hand.
So willpowerless me was led down a road of "cheating". I had some pizza. And didn't pay attention to portion size. And then I ate the shit out of my protein bars.
Boy did I pay. My insides hated me for a while. I needed to drink my way to feeling better. So I tried. But no one wants water when they have chocolate on the brain. The great thing about slipping is that you can always just chug your way back to where you started.

Week Four Thoughts:
It got pretty hard. I was baking for things and experimenting in the kitchen. I kinda gave up towards the end. I was out and about and wasn't on a set schedule. I was with people who weren't on the detox and that made me slip (not them, per say, but the temptation in general). I realized it's all a mental state for me and by week four, I had slipped out of the "healthy mentality" and into the "I'm being deprived" mentality (which isn't true, I was very nourished, I just was telling myself 'no' and that triggered my brain to think I was being deprived.)

I'm not looking to be skinny, I'm looking to be healthy.
I love doing these detoxes because I remember exactly how to be healthy. I do research, I find new recipes and I put a good base back into my life.
Yeah it's hard and I obviously wanted to give up. But if I just keep my mental state in a "healthy lifestyle" and eat in moderation, I will continue to keep this going!

If you wanna know details, please ask, but I'll just let you know I'm nourishing my body with CLEAN foods and it feels so amazing. There will be opportunities to do these detoxes each month!

<3XOT

Music Monday.

This is an exciting time in my life.
My physical,  mental, emotional beings - personal and professional lives are all in a good place.
At the same time. This is rare.

All this excitement just makes me want to smile and dance.
So all the sudden I'm driving THIS song comes on the radio.
I'm like — Yeah, this is such a good pump up song!!

"Oh don't you dare look backJust keep your eyes on me.I said you're holding back,She said shut up and dance with me!This woman is my destinyShe said oh oh ohShut up and dance with me"

Don't hold back.
Just grab life and go.

I'm also adding a picture of my Little Bean because I only have a week and a half left to see this face every day.

<3XOT

It is well with my soul.

You know what's so amazing? God.
Yup, I said it. At this point, I'd shout it from the rooftops.
Cause really there's nothing else it could be.

So at least a month ago I was standing in church crying.
I was crying because we were singing "It is well (with my soul)".
Not crying because of my tone-deafness. But, because at that point I realized it was, in fact, NOT well with my soul.

Things were not shaking out for me.
I was worried about my job situation, I was starting a detox that would overhaul my body, I was sure I wasn't going home for my birthday/Christmas, and my sister was stressing me out about her wedding. And I'm sure there's more. There's always more.

All the while I said I was trusting God, but I wasn't.

One Sunday in the middle of all this, I went up for prayer.
Just because I was tired of doing it on my own.
I knew that my half-assed prayers here and there weren't going to be enough.
I was saying one thing and doing another.

All the while God was working His magic.

I got an interview with Best Buy.
I started going to a Connect Group and discussing what I heard on Sundays.
I dug deeper into some of the negative body image problems I've been having.
I started learning about nutrition and exercise.

All the while realizing that God's always had my best interests in mind.

I got offered the job at Best Buy.
I can turn to friends in my connect group for prayer and support.
I started loving myself more.
I feel healthier.

Then I went back to church (begrudgingly, thanks Ry!) and we sang "It is well (with my soul)". And I cried again. But because this time I knew it was well. And God had my back the whole time. I just needed to be reminded of it.

Then I read something the other day: "Part of having Faith in God, means having Faith in His timing, too." What a great reminder.
Someday I could share about my traumatic story of how I made it to Minnesota in the first place. And how that should've taught me that God has my back. Let's just hope one day I learn my lesson about how God works miracles in my life. Because for two years now, my whole life has been a miracle.

<3XOT

Connect Group Goodies

What's better than baking?
Baking for people!!

So I love meeting with my Connect Group through church. We talk about the prior week's church sermon and fellowship over a meal.

The best part, for me, besides my obvious love of food, is getting to talk through what the sermon means to us. I love seeing other perspectives and learning how I can apply it to my life. Like, last meeting time, we talked about hearing God's voice and discerning what's real and not. Over the last two weeks, there's been lots of the "signs" Pastor Peter was talking about that other girls in the group talked about, that I would've missed otherwise.

The other best part is that knowing I'm not alone. The struggles and trials that I'm going through, someone else is sharing in that hurt, disappointment or life. These people have been there, or are going to be there soon, and we can all feed off of each other for that support.

So for Connect Group tonight, I'm bringing desserts. I'm trying to focus on the no gluten part of my detox, then no dairy, then no extra sugar. So finding a dessert that treats all of that isn't going to be a great dessert for anyone. So I decided that we're going to stick with the no gluten and then substitute and little more.

I found flourless brownies that I thought I could bring.
But, because brownies are only okay plain, I decided I'd add some goodies.
The result? Flourless brownies with caramel and pecans.

My recipe:

• 6 tbsp. coconut oil
• ¾ c. granulated sugar
• 8 oz. semisweet chocolate morsels
• 2 eggs, room temperature
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1 tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
• 3 tbsp. cornstarch
• ¼ tsp. salt (first batch I actually forgot to put it in and it tasted ok)

Recipe for caramel.
Add pecans or berries.

Since I used coconut oil instead of butter, it gives it a cocnutty flavor. Then adding the "caramel" and pecans, it kind of reminds me of a Samoa (the girl scout cookie) or those 7-layer-bars that show up only at pot lucks.

Whatever it tastes like, what it lacks in gluten, it makes up for in sugar!!

Happy baking, if you so choose!
<3XOT

Chicken and Cookies

Let's not pretend I am creative.
I like to think I am and I make lots of creative things.
But, sadly, all my ideas stem off of what other people do. Mostly on Pinterest.
I'm really not afraid to admit it.

So, what have I been doing lately?
Cooking and baking, mostly.
It's my new *thing* and I want to share it with everyone.
I've been (trying really hard) to go dairy free and gluten free as part of an Arbonne detox.
It's really fun, you should try it.
I've really dug in to find new recipes I can try that will help me continue this lifestyle.

So, what did I find. First, I found CHICKEN FINGERS!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I didn't really mean to scream that, but I love chicken.
So I didn't take any pictures and I need to tweak them a little bit (and make homemade ranch dip to dip them into cause that always makes everything better) BUT, I want you to make this recipe.
I'm going to do it again and I'm going to learn how to make them perfect.

HERE's the recipe and the awesome blog in which I found them!
I bought my own organic honey mustard and that was pretty good too!
Served with sweet potato fries. It was great!

Then, the other day, out of weakness, I made cookies.
DELICIOUS gluten free cookies!!
Again, I'm going to play around with the recipe.
I used regular sugar because that's what it called for but I think I'm going to make them with coconut sugar and mix the flours like the recipe suggests. Might even splurge later to get Earth Balance Butter and vegan chocolate chips!!

Don't those look delicious?! They're kid, mom, best friend, and Tricia approved.
I'd make them, take them to holiday parties and not even tell anyone that they're GF and just laugh in my bliss of making the world healthier.
Look at the recipe. You'll find it's not that hard to make something gluten free. But, don't eat 8 of them at a time (Like I did — but I did it in 48 hours so that's like 4 a day) because they're still cookies. Yummy, gooey, fluffy, chocolate chip cookies!!

Next up are actual crafts. I have to go to Michael's and use my 25% off my whole purchase. That's dangerous, but even spending $100 it'll only be $75…so that's good, right?! (Yikes, someone restrain me!!) But I digress…holiday crafts are my favorite because I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!

<3XOT

Little Things

Can we talk about the little thing?
Like, the super tiny things that we normally take for granted.

Last night, I had some great tacos. Authentic tacos. Rice, beans, chips, salsa…the whole shabang. It was amazing. Definitely fit the craving of tacos that I wanted. Taco Bell has nothing on those. And better yet, it was within walking distance. So I got a bit of that fresh, crisp, fall air. And on my way there, I saw something that just made me smile! Some boys were playing soccer and their ball rolled into the street. A police car was at the corner and pulled into the street to stop traffic so the boys could go get their ball. It wasn't much, but they had watched a few cars already nearly hit it. Again, it's the small things.
Then, when I got home, I had wanted to just sit and watch tv, but instead, I rearranged my room. It's something I'd been wanting to do and I'm so glad I did it. It's one less thing that I have to do today and tomorrow. More time to watch Grey's Anatomy and blog.
I went to bed last night full of good food and good humanity.

This morning, I woke up and worked out. A good workout. Arms, abs, legs…the whole shabang. A feel so good, take your time, gym to myself workout. Definitely the workout I wanted. Then, I went to Trader Joe's and basic white girl'd the shit out of my pantry. Pumpkin Spice Chai and dark chocolate coconut covered almonds. I got some other things, too, like vegetables and milk. I enjoy grocery shopping. It's like a puzzle — which items can I get to make a new concoction? What are other people getting? What do people like?
Then, after all that goodness, I came home and made the one thing I'd eat anytime, any day: Biscuits and gravy!! It was so good. Filling and fun to make.

Now it's time to get off the internet, start the dishes and finish cleaning the house. More things that I love to do. Life might be a little complicated right now, but when I focus on the little things in life, it really is a good life.

<3XOT

On my mind.

There's two things that have been on my mind lately.

First, is my social media habits.
I recently deleted my Facebook, Twitter and a little while ago deleted my Snapchat.
Now, I thought I'd be craving it to see what others were doing, but in reality, I don't really care.
People who want to talk to me can text/call me and the ones who don't actually care, shouldn't really miss me.
But, on the flip side, I miss some aspects of the "talking" part of social media. Like, I could just have a passing comment or share a thought and those who wanted to take time to "Like" it or "retweet" it could, and if they didn't want to, they didn't have to. And vice versa.
So instead of me making those passing comments, I've been texting the comments to my friends in hopes of a reply. Sometimes I get one, sometimes I don't. I hate to say it, but when I don't, I feel kinda bummed out. Like, that comment wasn't important enough in that persons life. Or, I feel like I'm just bugging the crap out of the same five people.
I know a lot of it is just in my head, but isn't that CRAZY how social media is still consuming my life, even after I've deleted it?? I've studied social media, I've been around it for most of my professional life, and I've been using it since high school. So how do we turn this mindset around?
I'm not sure what the correct answer is, but I think I'm going to stay off of the sites until I've figured it out and come to peace with feeling like I can still have friends, even when nobody knows what I'm thinking at that exact moment.

Second, I've really been thinking that I need nutritional support. Not like a personal trainer, but more of an accountability partner. Someone who's goals are the same as mine. But. One catch. They need to have a litttttttle more willpower than I do. Because, quite frankly, I have none.
I do so well with KNOWING what I should do and PLANNING how to do it, but when it comes to the execution, I can make up 1000 excuses as to why I don't need to go workout or why it's ok to have two cupcakes instead of one.
I always start Monday morning with a solid mind and a great plan, but by dinner time, I'm so full-minded that I don't continue thinking healthy. And then by Thursday, I feel so exhausted from the week that I just give up in general.
So my goal this week is to not give up. To ask some trusted friends, if I need help. I know I can do it. I can reach my January goal. I bought a notebook and will be filling it with my mental and physical states throughout the day. In hopes of being in tune with my body and figuring out what makes me feel better and worse.

<3XOT

Fear of the Unknown

From as far back as I can remember, I have always said my biggest fear is the unknown.
There's very few things I won't try, but I will always be hesitant.

Lately, I've been thinking about what this winter is going to bring.
The only thing that comes to my head is "I'm scared."

I think it every day. Over,
And over,
And over,
And over.

I've decided to work on trust.
First and foremost, trust in the Lord.
But I'm also working on being vulnerable and real with myself.
In hopes to relieve some of that stress and anxiety that an uncertain future holds.

I told a friend, "As cheesy as it sounds, I'm trusting God's plan."
Her response, "He leads us as we do the work."

It was a nice reminder that I have control over what's going to happen.
I might not have ALL the control, but I can make it what I want.
God's plan is still going to come, but we have to work for it.

So…now,
If I want something, I'll go for it.
If I want to see change, I'll take the initiative to change.

That's not going to erase all uncertainty,
but it will sure help lead me to a place that I can feel comfortable.

<3XOT

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

So for the last few weeks, I've been completely stressed.
I've been hopping from one thing to the other and my mind has been filled with dates, meetings, commitments, and how to balance life.

I look back and wonder what I got done?
Did I complete anything?

The answer is yes.
Through it all, my lists got made, everything got checked off, and it all came together.
And somewhere in the middle, I had an epiphany.

It's my nature to be a planner.
I focus on details.
I am a master lister.
If I say I'll do it, I'll do it.
I am a planner and shit gets done.

So, the epiphany:
I used to think I didn't live in the moment because I was always planning.
However, I'm realizing I do enjoy life and what I'm doing day to day, even though I live my life based off of the plans I make. I do live in the moment, but plan 5 steps ahead and that's why I worry. That's where my stress comes from.

So to stop being so stressed and worrisome, my new goal is to start focusing on the joy that I feel during those moments, not how much more I have to do.

You wanna know what I've done in the past few weeks?
I've planned an awesome party for my sister's shower from 10 hours away, I went to the Minnesota State Fair, I've ran 5 miles all at once, I've spent time with families and children who mean so much to me, I've volunteered, I've rearranged my room, I've driven to Michigan, had job interviews, and planned my trip home.

None of that has been taken for granted and each opportunity that I faced, I breathed in the joy that it brought. I wouldn't change it for anything. The experiences, people, and places have given me more happiness than I can express. And I felt that happiness as it came.

I'm not saying change is going to happen overnight, because it's not, but I think I don't need to be so hard on myself because my life plan hasn't come together. I'm working on a way to continue my life at 100mph, but focusing on the joy I'm feeling as I do it. I know I enjoy myself and the people in my life - and that's going to be my sole focus.

<3XOT

The 1st effect of sin was fakeness.

I have cleaned my anxiety away.
I have cooked my anxiety away.
I have baked my anxiety away.
(Tomorrow, I'm going to run my anxiety away.)

But with so much change, comes so much trust.
Trust that what I'm doing and what I'm planning on doing is the right thing.

Pastor Peter was talking about being transparent and living in the light; sharing our temptations and struggles with someone who we trust. He then went on to explain that living in the light is hard. Which it is. Or else we would all do it all the time and there'd be no need for Pastor Peter.

I'm not going to share my temptations and struggles on social media because, well, that would be stupid. Because, frankly, I don't trust most of you with my deepest, darkest secrets (sorry, not sorry). But, I will share with you the one point that has caused me to reevaluate every time I said I was going to change and become better and walk in the light, but didn't.

Point #3 of the sermon: We're not convinced God's alternative is better than our own.
If anything, I should know that there is a plan out there for me.
A plan greater than any plan I could think of or imagine.
A plan that will leave me with more than enough.
A plan that I could not design myself.

But, first you have to take that step and become vulnerable and true to yourself and who you really need to be. It can be scary. For me, it's scary as hell. For me, I'm afraid of everything I'm going to have to give up. I'm afraid that I'm too damaged. (There, I'm being vulnerable for social media "friends". Happy?) But then Pastor Peter said the one thing I needed to hear to know that I can make these changes.
The Holy Spirit never condemns, it convicts.
The Holy Spirit never shames you, it uplifts you with truth.

In nine days, I will be back home with my family.
In nine days, I will have so many worldly burdens taken off my shoulders.
Until then, I will trust that what the Lord is doing in my life is for the best. I will trust His plan. And I will be vulnerable with people that I trust.

Because as much as I love cooking, baking, cleaning and (in case you didn't know, I'm taking up a new hobby) cake decorating, that anxiety will still be rooted in me. It will not go away until I can find the peace that passes all understanding. And that comes solely with trust in the Lord and walking in the light.

Never Let the Fear of Striking Out...

My favorite movie, A Cinderella Story, has the quote "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." And even though baseball is my least favorite sport, this quote resonates in every part of my life.

Right now, my life is perfect.
Ok, not perfect. Ask my girls, they get an earful daily.
But life is good.
I've got a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, a car to drive, and friends that are there for me whenever I need them. I've got a job and opportunities to be something in this world.
Life is good.

I guess it just takes a little while to wrap your head around it.
That although the world seems to be against you most of the time, life is good.
And even when the world is against you, it takes one pitch, one opportunity, to make you the champion.

So go be the winner of your life.

<3XOT

I Matter

So there's this thing. It's called "FOMO" - the Fear Of Missing Out. It's a new thing that's arose since Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest and advertisements. Basically, it's what it says, you feel like someone else is doing something that you want to be doing and you feel left out.

Recently I look at Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter and feel that way. That I should be going to more movies on the lawn, or concerts, or baseball games or festivals. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. It's a sour feeling to have. Especially because my bucket lists keep growing.

But, I've decided to stand up for myself. I matter and I'm not missing out on anything! I may not be doing everything others are and I'm definitely not doing everything I want to do. But I'm making memories. I'm meeting people and going places and loving life.

I'm checking things off my list one by one and I'm having fun. I AM doing things. I matter and somewhere out there, there's someone looking at my Facebook wishing they were doing what I was doing.

There's no point in feeling bad about what I'm doing or NOT doing!. I must step back and remember I'm only 23 (and a half) and have lots of years to keep going. So day by day, event by event, person by person.

I must focus on the here and the now and start enjoying the moments in my life that are making me happy.
I must focus on becoming a better ME and not someone else.

I matter. I'm not missing out on anything.

<3XOT

#tbt

Those of you who have only met me in the last five years may not know some things about me.
I used to be insecure.

The other day I picked up one of my old books that my small group did in high school called "Finding Out Who You Really Are".
It's a book that answers questions of how you see yourself and who you want to be - and how it lines up with God's plan for you.

I picked it up because I'm realizing I don't know how to answer those questions anymore. Over the last year (Yes, I've been in Minneapolis for a whole year now!!) so much of me has changed. I've gotten smarter, more independent, more reckless, more secure, more motivated, and more free. Just to name a few ways.

Moreover, in the last 5 years, I've become a totally different person.
My physical body has transformed from something I was ashamed of to something I'm proud to take care of.
My spiritual body has transformed from my beliefs merging with my parents into a belief system all of my own.
My emotional/mental body has transformed from my circle of friends and mothers care into a grown woman facing the world as an individual with a massive support system.

It's really just funny to sit down and see the differences of how I see the world now.
For instance, the first chapter's very first question is: Go ahead and list three things you really dislike about yourself.
My 16-year-old answers were: My hair, it never does what I want. I think I'm too fat. My toes are nasty…end of discussion.  (WTF, Tricia. Your toes, really?!? You thought people cared about your toes?!?!)
Seven years later my answers have become much different. Deeper, really. Two out of three of them are about my inner self. The way I think and the way I talk to people.

Question 11 asks something that I am still thinking about. So I can have an honest answer and actually take the steps to do it. It asks: What do I think I would really care about 100 years from now?
16-year-old me: If I was who I wanted to be and loved the way I wanted to be loved. (Thanks, I couldn't have been a little more specific?! Who remembers how they wanted to be loved at 16? Oh yeah…The Notebook.)

It's funny, really the way I've changed inside. The way I put my attitude first, rather than my appearance. (Don't get me wrong, I still own loots of mirrors.) And that some things haven't changed at all. I still like the color orange, the month december, flamingos, chicken, trucks, snow and Washington DC.

But, I'm glad I've changed. I'm glad I'm a little less worried that I might be fat or ugly and more worried about if I'm making myself, others, and God happy. And when I'm 123-years-old, it's not going to be my toes that I'm thinking of, but the mark I've left on the world.

<3XOT

Manipulation

So I've been watching TOOONNNSSS of Gossip Girl lately.
The biggest themes in that show are manipulation and betrayal.
Everyone does it.
But the sad thing is, as I watch it, I can relate to a lot of those people.

No, I'm not some fashionista on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
But I've had people walk all over me. People I care about and I thought cared about me.
I've had people talk behind my back. People have said very hurtful things to me.
All this so they look better and look like they're doing a good service for me.

Lately, I've encountered so many of the people I thought I could trust have started backstabbing me. I don't know who I can trust anymore (besides my mom), everyone is out for themselves. Occasionally, I'd get the message that people were looking out for me - but the only stipulation was that I did what they wanted me to do and what they thought was best for my life. And those messages were just to make themselves seem better, like their lives were more superior than mine. But I'll be damned if anyone but me knows what's best for my life.

Most recently, I've been told that I'm giving up on my life goals, career goals, and desire for a loving spouse. People have said hurtful things about me behind my back and then acted like they have no clue what I'm talking about, and people have just stabbed me in the back and told my secrets to others who have no reason to know. They have told me they don't understand me and that I'm being selfish and rude.

And why do they say this? Because I'm not living my life their way.
But guess what…listen up and listen up closely:
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I AM.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I EVER WILL BE.

So where does that leave me?
I want to be able to trust others. I want to be able to not have to worry about if my friends are really my friends. I want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing I'm unconditionally loved by those who say they love me…no matter what my choices are. But, after a few months of battling this shit, I'm guessing I'm not going to get what I want.

If blocking these people out of my life is what it's going to take, then I guess I'm going to have to cut ties and burn bridges with people that I thought really mattered. Because two-faced, manipulative, backstabbing bitches have no room in my life. Not now, and they really never even should have for the last year.

And as GG has taught me, once a manipulator, always a manipulator.

<3XOT

Both Sides of the Track

I've been on both sides of the track.

The first was when I was in college. I was very uptight. Those of you who knew me, knew I didn't give to thoughts about what I looked like or what I wore. I worked hard and didn't really "play" at all. I liked to work out and I liked to have intellectual conversations with friends. I didn't put much effort into dating and tried to be around my family as much as possible.

The the other side was this past few months. I let go of my job,  I let go of my care, I let go of my morals and values. I changed. I went out with a lot of guys. I drank a lot of drinks. I ate a lot of ice cream.

And after a night of pure carelessness, I had an epiphany.
Well, it was more of a friend telling me what she sees.

That first side of the track was when I was building my foundation of me. I was putting the bricks in place and building myself up. Then these last couple months, I've been filling in the cracks of what I had missed on the first side.

So now I'm finding a happy medium.
I'm finding how to work hard and play hard.
I'm finding how to feel confident and casual.
I'm finding how to let people in without becoming a chameleon.
I'm finding that I can be on both sides.

<3XOT

Self Aware

I haven't been sleeping much lately.
Not because I can't sleep or I'm too busy, but because I'm enjoying life.

It's currently 10:38 on a Thursday night and I just go inside from reading my book. And the only reason I came in was because I finished it.

That's the thing I've discovered lately.
I don't need a timeline or a plan or a schedule.
I need wonderment and adventure.

I've been talking a lot lately. Not about anything in particular, but I've just been seeing people and meeting people and making the contact with people back home I failed to make contact with earlier this year.

The biggest thing I've taken away from this talking and what I've slowly come to realize is that I'm finally doing what makes me happy.
I can't help but use the quote my sister told me, "Do what feel right for as long as it does, and when it doesn't, stop."

So that's what I've been doing lately. Which has led me to here - two nights before I'm supposed to move into my new house - going out for dinner, sitting by the lake and then taking in the front porch to finish my book, not packing or even worried that I don't have a bed to sleep on yet. But I'm happy.

I don't know how long this laissez faire attitude is going to last.
But as long as I'm happy and I don't have people trying to bring me down, I'll be ok!

Understandings.

I can't help thinking about the old Disney show "Camp Rock".
You know the one that stars the Jonas Brothers and Demi Lovato?

I guess why I keep thinking about it is one of the songs that she sings.
The lyrics say - "This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Gonna let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am. There's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I wanna be. This is me."

Lately I've felt that people and the world are trying to take that away from me. 
I finally got to the point in my life where I loved who I was and where I was going. It wasn't the cookie cutter, picture perfect image that many people assumed I would create. Being a privately educated, Christian, strong-willed woman, most people see wholesome white picket fences chasing after my dreams. That's not where I am right now. But I love me. 

Then, all the sudden it was like no one approved or no one could understand why I was doing what I was doing. 

In their defense, half of my decisions now are made on the spot. So I don't have a lot of time to weigh the pros and cons.
But in my defense, I process and learn by talking out loud. The people I tell things to may not be my closest, bestest, most trustworthy friends, but I would still like to think the best in people. That they don't judge others. I am who I am and I shouldn't have to hide it around anyone. Not even strangers.
Back in their defense, they probably don't care about half the shit I tell them, I just need an ear. 

Regardless, I'm tired of people trying to judge me and what I'm doing. Yeah, I've made mistakes and I'm not following the course on which I originally set out. I probably am not the best person I could be right now and I know I've got a lot of skeletons in my closets. But what right does that give anyone to make me feel belittled or unworthy?!

I guess I just feel like everyone is quick to judge and slow to understand. Even if it's not what you want me to be doing or you think I should be doing, it's my life, guys. I've gotta take my own steps and make my own decisions. As friends, you should just be my support. I'm a smart girl. Not everything I do will be perfect (Lets be honest, nothing will be) but everything I do makes me one step closer to the woman I'm becoming. 

I know deep down I'll find that perfect path that is going to be awesome and I'm going to wonder how I ever settled for anything less. But if I didn't have these times of questioning, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Please just understand that.

<3XOT

A Breakup Ballad.

If you're looking for a good breakup song, just turn on Owl City Pandora station.

You'll get Safetysuit, OneRepublic, Lifehouse, The Killers, Parachute and of course Owl City.
There are occasional upbeat songs, like Florence's "Shake It Out". But for the most part, they're cheesy romantic, make you wanna cry with a glass of wine songs.

I guess it doesn't necessarily have to be a breakup you're going through. It could just be a change in your life that you weren't expecting or weren't planning for. It just leaves you wondering so many "What ifs…" Or maybe you were planning for it. But that doesn't make the grass look browner anywhere else.

You still wonder. You still look at that one thing and it reminds you of all the good times you had and that you don't want to leave it behind. You still hear that one song and think about what good times you had when that song was playing - like the soundtrack to your lives. You still use a trick that you learned and think how much more you could've learned and grown if you would've worked just a little harder. You still wonder.

And then all this sappy music plays and it makes it worse. And you just want to snuggle with your best friend and drink wine and just forget that there's ever difficulty in life.

But then something good comes along.
And you just ride that high, knowing you can't change the past. And even though the past hurts and it blurs your vision of the good in front of you, you made that decision for a reason. And you're going to be ok. You still wonder. But you've thought about this decision and you know it's what's best.

For now.
For now you still wonder.
But you do what you set out to do.
And you can't look back, cause that does nothing for you.
You just go.
Head first.
Head strong.
While listening to Owl City on Pandora.

<3XOT

Finding Your Own Happiness

I was unhappy.
Mostly with myself. Because my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted. How I had planned.
I wasn't on the road to a million dollar position in the field I loved. I wasn't on the road to marriage, although the majority of my friends were married or well on their way. I wasn't summer body ready, because I had enjoyed one too many bowls of ice cream. I wasn't able to be close to my family and friends in Indiana and have them comfort me through the rough spots.
I was unhappy.

So what were my options now?
I could run away. I could go back to my comfort zone and stop chasing my dreams and stop exploring (like I've ALWAYS wanted to do).
I could rebel. I could just say f**k you to the world and go all crazy and just live a reckless life.
I could find the things in my life that I have and I could be happy again.

I just so desperately wanted to be happy. Whatever that meant.
Owl City's new release did a great job of explaining it:
"I fought all through the night

Oh, oh, but I made it aliveThe sun stormed arrivesOh, oh, these are BEAUTIFUL TIMESThis part of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard,But I'm gonna survive!Oh, oh, these are BEAUTIFUL TIMES!"


I don't have a million dollar position in the field I love, but I have a job. I have a reason to get up in the mornings and go to work and build my resume. I have a purpose and a place in a company. It's my first job. You don't graduate into being a CEO.
I don't have a significant other, no. But I have love. For many different people in different ways. And most importantly, I have love for myself. And I know who I was and what I've done and I know that I won't put up with anything less than what I deserve. And that hasn't got here yet. Yet.
I've never had a summer body, who am I kidding? But I'm healthy. I'm in shape. I can go put on my little running pants and make it around the lake. I can do yoga and zumba. I can eat oranges and ice cream (sometimes in the same day). I can be me.
I'm not close to my family, physically, but I've learned that proximity doesn't make you any closer. They are there for me, 100% of the time. Even from 650 miles away, not a single one of them has forgotten about me and has given me more than I could ever have asked. Every single one of them.

I was unhappy about my circumstances. I was unhappy I didn't have it all.
So I prayed. For months. For some kind of sign. For some kind of door to open.
I never got an answer. Until recently.
And when it rains, it pours. And it is pouring good things on me.
I'm still working out the kinks of how to be an adult and do this thing called life. But being unhappy while you're doing it is never the way to go.

I know that now.

Now, I am happy.

Basketball Life Improvements.

Man, I wish I could've seen it.

Two techs, a mini-fight, raining threes, buzzer beaters.

Of course I'm talking about the Pacers/Heat game. 

I just watched the highlights. 

I might've swooned over Paul George a little. Ok, a lot. I mean how could you not trip with a dunk like this?!?

It was intense. That reminds me of a talk I heard on KFAN radio the other day. 

About post play celebration. 

In the highlight clip, you can see Lebron sink a sick three and then put up the "A-Ok" sign by his eye. It's a symbol for THREE! It's a celebration. But like the DJ said the other day, why do they get praise for doing what they're supposed to be doing. According to ESPN he gets paid 19 Mill each year to play. So yeah, you better be sinking those threes. 

I get the idea that you're hyped up, a lot was riding on the line, you're visiting a team that could (And did) clinch the Central Division title. You're excited, but is that kind of celebration needed? I've played sports, scoring is a big deal. I get it. But, you're here for entertainment, not to pick fights on the court. If I wanted fights, I'll buy hockey tickets. (Which reminds me, why do I live in Minnesota if I don't even like hockey?!)

Take a look at the video and you be the judge, did last nights game go too far? Pacers/Heat Rewind

But that's not really why I'm mad. I just like to compare everything to basketball. 

I wrote a blog post about why I thought social media was ruining my life. Well today I came across another great article that helps articulate my uproar a little bit more. Read it here.

As people, do we need to celebrate each and every little victory in our lives. The second we do something, why does it have to go straight up to Facebook? Or Twitter? Or Instagram? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm just as bad as the next person. But why do we want to rub it in other peoples' faces that we're doing what we're supposed to be doing? 

So what if you happen to be Jimmy Fallon's producer? What does it matter if you swam with dolphins or hiked the Grand Canyon? Just because I want those things doesn't mean I'll never get there. You're at that point in your life, I am not. And quite frankly, I sleep the same no matter what you do. 

If it strokes your ego to post all about it, fine. Do it. But as the author of the Huff Post article says, "My suggestion? Make a call. Send an email to people you love. Heck, have a party. Let your actual friends know in person. Kind of a novel concept, no? And say you want those business associates you are Facebook friends with to know about your good news, your hard work? There's nothing like a update on your professional website to tell them all about it. You might also post a link to it. That keeps it professional and WAY less douchey."

Don't think people actually give you more praise because you're a 24-year-old business owner. Cause as much as they see you and your accomplishments now, they're going to be right there when you fail. It's part of life, the ups and downs. Just like the true fans won't get mad when you lose the big game. 

So this is my public confession that I will stop judging my opinions and self-worth on the one kid I did that one thing with that one time. Try it with me. See what happens. 

Head Over Feet

I was talking to a friend today and got reminded of how wonderful Alanis Morissette is.
The joke was that I'm always attracted to angsty people.
But in truth, I'm attracted to people who just happen to be as emotional and raw as me.

So I opened up iTunes and went straight to the most famous "Head Over Feet". I looked at the lyrics and decided, yup, this is exactly the guy that I'm going to need.

While I hit repeat, go ahead and enjoy it. Sing along. Feel the passion of knowing someone can love you, unconditionally.

I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess

I'm not used to liking that

You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You're so much braver than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met

You're my best friend

Best friend with benefits

What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before

I've never wanted something rational

I am aware now

I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it

It's all your fault

And remember, no matter where you end up and who you end up with, make sure they love you, in spite of yourself.

A New Kind Of Prayer

Do you ever get tired of hearing "Give your plans up to God. He knows what's best for you"?!
Cause I do.

I have this problem. I'm a planner.
When it comes to making a plan, I dive in.
I think long and short term, if this or if that.
I make great plans. (I also want to give a s/o to all the friends and family that give me advice on how to make a better plan. But that's neither here nor there.)

Recently, I've been thinking about giving all my planning to God. What would I do? What would fill my time? What would give me hope that things would work out?

Now don't get me wrong, I trust that God has my best interest in mind. I trust that He made me perfect and has my path all planned out. I trust that He will provide. But I also truly believe that He made me a planner. That it was His thought and His hands that created me to look at life a little differently.

So, my prayer has changed.
Instead of saying "God I'm giving this up to you…" and then backing out and taking control again, I've started praying "God, this is my plan, please stop it, if it's not what you want of me."
It's kind of liberating. I've been less stressed. My anxiety is going down.












Try it for a week. See how you feel.

<3XOT

Life is like Basketball

Will Smith told me something yesterday. Ok, he didn't speak directly to me. And he didn't even say it yesterday. But the message was clear: Life is like Basketball.

As a Hoosier, I'd like to say "DUH!!!" but let me tell you why I think Will Smith hit the nail on the head during this interview with Jimmy Fallon.

Mr. Smith said he went skydiving because he's 45. He said it's because he is in the third quarter of his life. When a basketball team comes out after halftime, they don't just sit back and let the game happen, they're powered up and they're ready to fight. I think that's an awesome analogy as to where I am in my life right now.

If we break down the game:

The first quarter is when you establish yourself and your team on the court. You fight hard and fair to get your points and make your presence known. I think that can be wrapped up in all the time we spend with the educational system. We're fighting to learn and achieve and just make ourselves present. We show up, we gain points/knowledge. We don't have much after the first quarter, but there's enough to prove we're vibrant, living, productive members of society.

The second quarter (where I am now…) is when you have to hold your own. The other team (your peers) has established themselves too. It's now a full on battle. You have to fight to prove that all those points you earned in the first quarter are going to get you ahead. You've got to continue to work hard. You've got to keep earning points/knowledge. You've gotta keep playing fair, but if you need to take a :30 timeout, that's ok. If you need to grab a squirt of water, that's ok. Rehydrate, regroup and get going again. The game's not over. You can't stop.

Halftime: I would venture to say this is where my parents are. Where many of my friends' parents are. Their kids have all ran into the locker room and they're sitting on the bleachers listening to the athletic director ask trivia questions for prizes. They're just waiting for the next half. It's an in-between. It's not fun. You don't know what the second half is going to bring. But, they're willing to stick it out.

The third quarter (where Will Smith is…) is when you come out swinging. You're pumped. Halftime has allowed you to reflect on the first half of your life. All those points that have added up. It's allowed you to make a plan on where to go next. It's allowed you to grab the ball and start playing the game for you. This is the time you get back up out on the court and dominate. You put up more points and you pull ahead.

The fourth quarter is something I'm not familiar with at all. My grandparents fall under this category, so this is my analogy: You see the end. You know it's coming. But you don't give up. You don't let the  other team come back and beat you. You keep fighting until the end. You get more points (and if you're Reggie Miller you get them all right at the last second) and you finish the game strong. You make sure when the game is over, you've left it all out on the court.

And that is why I think life is like basketball.
And we can go ahead and add the cheesy Wayne Gretzky quote:

<3XOT