Manipulation

So I've been watching TOOONNNSSS of Gossip Girl lately.
The biggest themes in that show are manipulation and betrayal.
Everyone does it.
But the sad thing is, as I watch it, I can relate to a lot of those people.

No, I'm not some fashionista on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
But I've had people walk all over me. People I care about and I thought cared about me.
I've had people talk behind my back. People have said very hurtful things to me.
All this so they look better and look like they're doing a good service for me.

Lately, I've encountered so many of the people I thought I could trust have started backstabbing me. I don't know who I can trust anymore (besides my mom), everyone is out for themselves. Occasionally, I'd get the message that people were looking out for me - but the only stipulation was that I did what they wanted me to do and what they thought was best for my life. And those messages were just to make themselves seem better, like their lives were more superior than mine. But I'll be damned if anyone but me knows what's best for my life.

Most recently, I've been told that I'm giving up on my life goals, career goals, and desire for a loving spouse. People have said hurtful things about me behind my back and then acted like they have no clue what I'm talking about, and people have just stabbed me in the back and told my secrets to others who have no reason to know. They have told me they don't understand me and that I'm being selfish and rude.

And why do they say this? Because I'm not living my life their way.
But guess what…listen up and listen up closely:
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I AM.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I EVER WILL BE.

So where does that leave me?
I want to be able to trust others. I want to be able to not have to worry about if my friends are really my friends. I want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing I'm unconditionally loved by those who say they love me…no matter what my choices are. But, after a few months of battling this shit, I'm guessing I'm not going to get what I want.

If blocking these people out of my life is what it's going to take, then I guess I'm going to have to cut ties and burn bridges with people that I thought really mattered. Because two-faced, manipulative, backstabbing bitches have no room in my life. Not now, and they really never even should have for the last year.

And as GG has taught me, once a manipulator, always a manipulator.

<3XOT