Self Aware

I haven't been sleeping much lately.
Not because I can't sleep or I'm too busy, but because I'm enjoying life.

It's currently 10:38 on a Thursday night and I just go inside from reading my book. And the only reason I came in was because I finished it.

That's the thing I've discovered lately.
I don't need a timeline or a plan or a schedule.
I need wonderment and adventure.

I've been talking a lot lately. Not about anything in particular, but I've just been seeing people and meeting people and making the contact with people back home I failed to make contact with earlier this year.

The biggest thing I've taken away from this talking and what I've slowly come to realize is that I'm finally doing what makes me happy.
I can't help but use the quote my sister told me, "Do what feel right for as long as it does, and when it doesn't, stop."

So that's what I've been doing lately. Which has led me to here - two nights before I'm supposed to move into my new house - going out for dinner, sitting by the lake and then taking in the front porch to finish my book, not packing or even worried that I don't have a bed to sleep on yet. But I'm happy.

I don't know how long this laissez faire attitude is going to last.
But as long as I'm happy and I don't have people trying to bring me down, I'll be ok!

Understandings.

I can't help thinking about the old Disney show "Camp Rock".
You know the one that stars the Jonas Brothers and Demi Lovato?

I guess why I keep thinking about it is one of the songs that she sings.
The lyrics say - "This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Gonna let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am. There's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I wanna be. This is me."

Lately I've felt that people and the world are trying to take that away from me. 
I finally got to the point in my life where I loved who I was and where I was going. It wasn't the cookie cutter, picture perfect image that many people assumed I would create. Being a privately educated, Christian, strong-willed woman, most people see wholesome white picket fences chasing after my dreams. That's not where I am right now. But I love me. 

Then, all the sudden it was like no one approved or no one could understand why I was doing what I was doing. 

In their defense, half of my decisions now are made on the spot. So I don't have a lot of time to weigh the pros and cons.
But in my defense, I process and learn by talking out loud. The people I tell things to may not be my closest, bestest, most trustworthy friends, but I would still like to think the best in people. That they don't judge others. I am who I am and I shouldn't have to hide it around anyone. Not even strangers.
Back in their defense, they probably don't care about half the shit I tell them, I just need an ear. 

Regardless, I'm tired of people trying to judge me and what I'm doing. Yeah, I've made mistakes and I'm not following the course on which I originally set out. I probably am not the best person I could be right now and I know I've got a lot of skeletons in my closets. But what right does that give anyone to make me feel belittled or unworthy?!

I guess I just feel like everyone is quick to judge and slow to understand. Even if it's not what you want me to be doing or you think I should be doing, it's my life, guys. I've gotta take my own steps and make my own decisions. As friends, you should just be my support. I'm a smart girl. Not everything I do will be perfect (Lets be honest, nothing will be) but everything I do makes me one step closer to the woman I'm becoming. 

I know deep down I'll find that perfect path that is going to be awesome and I'm going to wonder how I ever settled for anything less. But if I didn't have these times of questioning, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Please just understand that.

<3XOT