#tbt

Those of you who have only met me in the last five years may not know some things about me.
I used to be insecure.

The other day I picked up one of my old books that my small group did in high school called "Finding Out Who You Really Are".
It's a book that answers questions of how you see yourself and who you want to be - and how it lines up with God's plan for you.

I picked it up because I'm realizing I don't know how to answer those questions anymore. Over the last year (Yes, I've been in Minneapolis for a whole year now!!) so much of me has changed. I've gotten smarter, more independent, more reckless, more secure, more motivated, and more free. Just to name a few ways.

Moreover, in the last 5 years, I've become a totally different person.
My physical body has transformed from something I was ashamed of to something I'm proud to take care of.
My spiritual body has transformed from my beliefs merging with my parents into a belief system all of my own.
My emotional/mental body has transformed from my circle of friends and mothers care into a grown woman facing the world as an individual with a massive support system.

It's really just funny to sit down and see the differences of how I see the world now.
For instance, the first chapter's very first question is: Go ahead and list three things you really dislike about yourself.
My 16-year-old answers were: My hair, it never does what I want. I think I'm too fat. My toes are nasty…end of discussion.  (WTF, Tricia. Your toes, really?!? You thought people cared about your toes?!?!)
Seven years later my answers have become much different. Deeper, really. Two out of three of them are about my inner self. The way I think and the way I talk to people.

Question 11 asks something that I am still thinking about. So I can have an honest answer and actually take the steps to do it. It asks: What do I think I would really care about 100 years from now?
16-year-old me: If I was who I wanted to be and loved the way I wanted to be loved. (Thanks, I couldn't have been a little more specific?! Who remembers how they wanted to be loved at 16? Oh yeah…The Notebook.)

It's funny, really the way I've changed inside. The way I put my attitude first, rather than my appearance. (Don't get me wrong, I still own loots of mirrors.) And that some things haven't changed at all. I still like the color orange, the month december, flamingos, chicken, trucks, snow and Washington DC.

But, I'm glad I've changed. I'm glad I'm a little less worried that I might be fat or ugly and more worried about if I'm making myself, others, and God happy. And when I'm 123-years-old, it's not going to be my toes that I'm thinking of, but the mark I've left on the world.

<3XOT

Manipulation

So I've been watching TOOONNNSSS of Gossip Girl lately.
The biggest themes in that show are manipulation and betrayal.
Everyone does it.
But the sad thing is, as I watch it, I can relate to a lot of those people.

No, I'm not some fashionista on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
But I've had people walk all over me. People I care about and I thought cared about me.
I've had people talk behind my back. People have said very hurtful things to me.
All this so they look better and look like they're doing a good service for me.

Lately, I've encountered so many of the people I thought I could trust have started backstabbing me. I don't know who I can trust anymore (besides my mom), everyone is out for themselves. Occasionally, I'd get the message that people were looking out for me - but the only stipulation was that I did what they wanted me to do and what they thought was best for my life. And those messages were just to make themselves seem better, like their lives were more superior than mine. But I'll be damned if anyone but me knows what's best for my life.

Most recently, I've been told that I'm giving up on my life goals, career goals, and desire for a loving spouse. People have said hurtful things about me behind my back and then acted like they have no clue what I'm talking about, and people have just stabbed me in the back and told my secrets to others who have no reason to know. They have told me they don't understand me and that I'm being selfish and rude.

And why do they say this? Because I'm not living my life their way.
But guess what…listen up and listen up closely:
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I AM.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I EVER WILL BE.

So where does that leave me?
I want to be able to trust others. I want to be able to not have to worry about if my friends are really my friends. I want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing I'm unconditionally loved by those who say they love me…no matter what my choices are. But, after a few months of battling this shit, I'm guessing I'm not going to get what I want.

If blocking these people out of my life is what it's going to take, then I guess I'm going to have to cut ties and burn bridges with people that I thought really mattered. Because two-faced, manipulative, backstabbing bitches have no room in my life. Not now, and they really never even should have for the last year.

And as GG has taught me, once a manipulator, always a manipulator.

<3XOT

Both Sides of the Track

I've been on both sides of the track.

The first was when I was in college. I was very uptight. Those of you who knew me, knew I didn't give to thoughts about what I looked like or what I wore. I worked hard and didn't really "play" at all. I liked to work out and I liked to have intellectual conversations with friends. I didn't put much effort into dating and tried to be around my family as much as possible.

The the other side was this past few months. I let go of my job,  I let go of my care, I let go of my morals and values. I changed. I went out with a lot of guys. I drank a lot of drinks. I ate a lot of ice cream.

And after a night of pure carelessness, I had an epiphany.
Well, it was more of a friend telling me what she sees.

That first side of the track was when I was building my foundation of me. I was putting the bricks in place and building myself up. Then these last couple months, I've been filling in the cracks of what I had missed on the first side.

So now I'm finding a happy medium.
I'm finding how to work hard and play hard.
I'm finding how to feel confident and casual.
I'm finding how to let people in without becoming a chameleon.
I'm finding that I can be on both sides.

<3XOT