The Loss of My Home

There's a few thing about me that I'm not used to. I used to think being a free spirit would satisfy all my cravings. I'd meet new people and see new places. But there are a few things I miss out on by being away from the people I love.

I have felt this for a while, but now that I just did my love language quiz again, I realize that it's real feelings and not just homesickness. That there are some things in life you do *need* to be happy. And I know I will get there, no matter where I am. So for future friends...here's what you need to know about me. And the ones I have now, keep doing what you're doing. You rock.

#1 - Physical Touch
This is my top, and will always be my top Love Language. I need the hugs and the cuddling and the hand holding. It doesn't have to be romantic, although, I'm not opposed to that. But, shaking hands with 500 people doesn't solve my problems. Meeting more people doesn't do anything either. I need genuine people who want to watch movies with me. Or do physical activities with me. But it doesn't even need to be big. It could be putting your hand on my arm when we talk. Small things are just as important. But you've gotta mean it...

#2 - Words of Affirmation
This one is very difficult to differentiate. I don't need you to tell me I look good or that I have awesome hair (would would say that anyway?!?! haha!) I need you to affirm your feelings towards me. I need you to open up and speak truth to me. Just because you're talking to me, doesn't mean you're saying anything. Texting all day doesn't mean we've had a good conversation. Quality over quantity matters. Which leads me to my third point.

#3 - Quality Time
Being around people doesn't mean I feel noticed or loved. Just because I'm out in public doesn't mean that it's quality time. I'd rather have 2 hours with a group of people that I know actually care about me, then spend 10 hours sitting somewhere just having surface conversations with people.

There's part of me that likes the idea of being a "stranger in a city, where no one will know me" but there's also a part of me that needs close ones and needs the time spent with them. I'm getting there. It's all about progress. But, I can't help but think everyone I left behind...

Holidays

It's a funny thing. Easter and Fourth of July are the only holidays I remember. And if we're being honest, I never know the date of Easter, I just know because I was raised in the church and participated in Holy Week (which I love and believe in, by the way).  I also don't think of Christmas as December 25. I think of it as December 25th as my birthday and Christmas has been a "season" so far in my life.

Which means today, Valentine's Day, would've been forgotten by me, if it weren't for society. It would've been Friday February 14, 2014. I would've written the date 2/14/14 and did one of the little number diddies that I always do with numbers - two fourteens, 2/14/14. And I would've gotten on with my day. I would've sat at the coffee shop, got my oil changed and made stir fry just like I did today. But I wouldn't have had this nudging feeling like I was missing something.

I think, as I've grown up and lived my life, I've given my heart away. Little pieces at a time. To people who deserve it. People that I would give my life for. All to different degrees, though. But, since it's Valentine's Day, I've been thinking so much about my heart. And I've decided it's not wholly mine anymore. And I've decided I'm quite alright with that.

I want to be that person that loves, unconditionally. The girl who wears my heart on my sleeve and lets myself be vulnerable. I want people to know that they matter and they mean something to me.  I don't want to hold back. I want to be real and open and vibrant with people. And if that means that my heart isn't wholly mine, and if that means that even when someone leaves my life, they stay in my heart, I don't mind.

I may say I love you and I may show affection to many people, much more than others. But I mean it. I never say it if I don't mean it. I may act "young, wild, and free" at times, but that's just surface. I enjoy it in the moment, but they don't get my heart. They get my smiles and hugs and laugh. But the ones that I say I love you too. The ones that I can give smiles, hugs, laughs on top of stories, my time, my energy and most of all, my heart. THOSE are the ones I love.

So, yeah, it's Valentine's Day and I don't have a "Valentine". But so many people have a piece of my heart, and I feel like I have pieces of theirs, and isn't that what Hallmark wanted? Hearts on everything. Well there ya go.

If you want part of it, hit me up. I'd love to get to know you. And I mean that...from the bottom of my heart.

Isaiah.

Do you ever think that you were just meant to hear something?

I've been battling 3 things over the last few months: My career, my finances, and my relationships.
Those are big things. Like, really big things. Like, affect my life big.
So what have I been doing about it. Weeping, mostly. But also, I've been searching high and low for the "reason" all these things are happening in my life. I've been looking for who is going to make me feel special. I've been lusting after an African Safari and how much I'll have to save to get there. I've been wandering what my end goal of my career will be.

Then, out of nowhere, TWICE this weekend I've heard the most calming thing I've ever heard.
A very wise professor and my pastor both hit the nail on the head.
"The Lord does not waste and thing." and "There's no wasted years when you are serving the Lord."
They both (in their respective nature) assured me that I am on the right path, God is taking care of me, and that I've been magnifying my problems and forgetting what God is doing in my life.

The verse that was with the sermon today was in Isaiah 40.
Verses 10-11, specifically.
"Behold, the Lord God shall come with a strong hand, and his arm shall rule for Him; Behold, His reward is with Him, and His work before Him. He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those who are with young."

I'm not sure where that's going to take me, I'm a natural worrier and planner, so I always like to have a handle on things. But I think I'll be able to sit back and realize that it may not be today or tomorrow that I can afford that African Safari. But, God has a plan for me.

And I can always remember Isaiah 40: 29-31
"He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Social Media is Ruining My Life.

Is social media ruining my life? Probably.
Am I going to stop using it? Probably not.

You may ask why it's ruining my life? Well let me tell you.
I think we should establish why it's making me so unhappy. Because Social Media has made me greedy and jealous. It has consumed every part of my day. If I'm not on it, I'm thinking of the next time I can scroll through and see what people are up to, or the next picture of food that I can't eat, or what article is going to change my life. And then there's Pinterest. It has become my obsession. I'm always finding myself going back to the page to see what items and outfits and snacks and clothes others have that I don't.
In steps the jealousy. I get jealous of what other people are doing. Like, why can't I have this life or that life? Why can't I be rich and buy new things? Why can't I pull off an outfit like that or go to a party like that? Etc. You should be catching my point. Jealousy makes me very unhappy, almost to the point of being vicious. Like, I could probably be so passive aggressive that I exploded. I'm sure it's possible. And I'll be the one to prove it.
Then, the greed. I want, I need, I wish, I buy. Do I really need this or that? Probably not. Especially all the foodie things. I wish for lots of glutenous foods. Like lava cake, pecan pie, cheesy lasagna, etc. I bet you're drooling too. I know I am. Not having those things that I think I want make me unhappy. And so then I feel like I can't be pleased and I feel worthless, like I've got nothing.

So you may be thinking, why don't you just get rid of it all? Well let me tell you.
It's not the Social Media, it's me. The way the world is going, Social Media is a big part of the industry I'm in and it's a big part of today's society. Asking me to take Social Media out of my life, would be like you asking me to stop drinking water. Maybe not that extreme, but it is a very vital part of what I do and how I communicate with loved ones in my life.
So, my plan is now to not let it rule my life. To use it as I need. I don't have to scroll through and wish I was still in school cause those were the best days of my life, or wish I was on vacation, or wish that I had a chocolate fountain on my desk at work. I can learn to control my intake of Social Media and on top of that, learn to control my desires.
I have so much going for me. Maybe not the same things that you have. But I've got stuff. And instead of focusing on what I don't have and being unhappy, I need to focus on what I do have and start cheering up.

I'm not going to say it's going to be easy, but it's a step. A step that will change my perspective on a lot of things, I hope.

T

30 Day Detox/Clean Eating

Much like everyone else, my New Year embarked on a 30 day cleansing of my body.

This 30 Day Detox/Clean eating may seem a bit extreme, because I consider myself a fairly healthy person. I eat balanced meals, I exercise when I'm not on Netflix and I drink milk. So, I didn't think it would be that bad.

Wrong. I just came off a two week vacation with nothing but eating out and sipping on highly caloric beverages. My body needed a little jumpstart. I'm not really doing it to lose weight and I'm not doing it because it's the New Year. (I did a pseudo-detox in July when I was training for my 5k. People, clean eating works!!) I'm doing it because it needs done.

So I'm halfway done and I've learned tonnnns! Articles and articles and articles talk about super foods and gluten and acid and foods to eat more of. That's so overwhelming. Like, one article says eat whole wheat bread (or gluten free) and then another article said that it's actually not that good for you. (Welcome to the internet.) I think I've got a good grasp on it, though. And after this detox, I'm just going to have to remember to eat everything in moderation. A sandwich isn't going to hurt me, however chicken noodles, mashed potatoes and a roll are, if I eat them all the time. So, lesson #1 - moderation on everything.

The hardest part, I've discovered, is the cravings that I've been getting. I can't even explain what I'm craving. Just...everything. Cheese, mostly. Because I eat cheese on everything. But, the difference between what I'm doing this month and what I've done in the past is that I'm staying strong. I haven't really cheated. I've passed up weekly BDubs wings, bought gluten free bread, stayed away from white potatoes. I'm rocking this detox. But, because I used to put so much sugar and crap in my body, all that rocking doesn't discount the fact I look at mac and cheese and lust. So, my goal in February is to watch the intake of unnecessary sugar. So, lesson #2 - that Big Mac isn't necessary.

My first week on the detox seemed a bit harder because I wasn't only depriving myself the things I craved, but I was cutting back on HOW much I ate. The point is to eat smaller portions during the day, but eat more often. That's hard for me to wrap my head around. I'm the girl that doesn't need to feel full to stop eating, I need to feel stuffed. Like pop a button stuffed. This clean eating has been interesting because I can still have meat and food and basically anything I want. I mean, it's not a depriving detox at all. But, it took me a while to figure that out. For lunch I was thinking all I could eat was a sweet potato and my fizz stick. False. I need all of the components to make this work. So I'm adding veggies to each meal, I'm making sure that I'm getting a variety of flavors and nutrients each time I plan a meal. That's something I need to get better at. So, lesson #3 - stop overstuffing your belly with crap, overstuff your plate with good.

Finally, I was scared this detox wouldn't be satisfying. I don't need to lose weight. So I really didn't know what my goal was going to be, except to rid my body of toxins. And, surprise, that's all I really needed. I had been putting so much crap into my body that it just started craving and craving things that didn't matter (Late night McD's with a diet, please?) and I definitely didn't need. However, this detox has given me the strength to know that I can do it and I can overcome this vicious cycle that sometimes takes hold of me and doesn't let me go. So, lesson #4 - encourage myself.

Now I have some goals for February. This is going to become a lifestyle (I'll rid myself of white potatoes if I can have my white bread back - it's only fair.) and I'm going to feel better about myself. I hope this second half brings a better attitude and now that I have the eating part down, I can detox my life of things that aren't vital to my survival. Don't worry, McD's, you'll still be a favorite, but you won't be my drive-home-from-work-I-couldn't-care-less-about-life favorite.

I encourage you to try a clean eating lifestyle and I can hook you up with some amazing products and aids that can direct you on the right path. I know I wouldn't be here if someone wouldn't taken hold of me and encouraged me to do this.

T

2013/2014

It's really hard to decompress what just happened in the last two weeks.
I visited all my family, my best friends and drove through six midwest states in 10 days.

Taking a vacation like that is a catch twenty-two: You're so busy that you don't have time for everyone, but you've talked so much and thought so much that you are exhausted.

I think I did a great job. Here are 5 reasons:

1. I started by driving 10 hours right into a house full of family. I went from perfect piece and independence to chaos and zero privacy.
2. I drove over 2000 miles to visit family and friends. And whole-heartedly believe every mile was worth it. (For those of you who don't know me, even 2 years ago I wouldn't have said or done that).
3. I ate the shit out of this trip. I had Mexican food, Japanese food, home made pizza, hour d'oeuvres and cocktails, McDonalds, and Panera and everything in between. And I didn't explode.
4. I have never been a gifter, but I feel like this year I was able to give love and joy (as well as a few gifts) to those I love.
5. I gathered ideas and plans to make 2014 a kick ass year.

I don't know where all this is going to lead me. And a year from now, where I'll be or who I'll be. But, I know that going back to my roots and reminding myself that I am a strong, independent, driven woman was really what made this transition to the new year that much better.

About a week ago, I started a blog that was all about my view on boys and relationships. I had it all laid out and was chugging along. Then, I started going through all these different scenarios in my head about what could be and if I really thought this. So I put the blog on the back burner and never published it.

Then, one night I was working at Old Navy and I had the biggest breakthrough I think I've ever experienced when it comes to guys. My thought: I choose my future based on who I'm into at the time. I base my love on circumstances.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it keeps me with an open mind.
But it also makes it really hard for me to verbalize what I want, and be consistent about it.

I need to start getting grounded on what I  want and not necessarily because there are urges.
I need to start trusting that God has my best intentions in mind. Better intentions than I have.

I now understand why my other blog didn't work. It was just a compilation on fleeting feelings that aren't necessarily what I feel.
But then again, do I really know?