About a week ago, I started a blog that was all about my view on boys and relationships. I had it all laid out and was chugging along. Then, I started going through all these different scenarios in my head about what could be and if I really thought this. So I put the blog on the back burner and never published it.

Then, one night I was working at Old Navy and I had the biggest breakthrough I think I've ever experienced when it comes to guys. My thought: I choose my future based on who I'm into at the time. I base my love on circumstances.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it keeps me with an open mind.
But it also makes it really hard for me to verbalize what I want, and be consistent about it.

I need to start getting grounded on what I  want and not necessarily because there are urges.
I need to start trusting that God has my best intentions in mind. Better intentions than I have.

I now understand why my other blog didn't work. It was just a compilation on fleeting feelings that aren't necessarily what I feel.
But then again, do I really know?

Compass.

Ever since I heard the song on the radio for the first time, I was hooked. Lady A has an amazing voice and their sense of style has only made me fall more in love (Sorry, it's more hipster-ish, but damn, it's good!) Each time I hear it, my mind races three different ways: My life, the person I love, and the One who love me. I tried to combine them all together into how my mind follows, I hope you can track.

So, their words are in Black, and my meanings will be in Red.

Alright
Yeah it's been a bumpy road
Roller coasters
High and low

There's all this crap and chaos and beauty around me. There's being away from home and my work. There's different stuff weighing me down, like the fear of being alone. I just want to get away - which is why I came to MN.

Fill the tank and drive the car
You wanna give up 'cause it's dark
So let your heart, sweet heart
When it's all said and done
I think sometimes God is calling me to just let go and trust Him. He's asking me to follow him and trust that it will be alright. Because He can't wait for me to be back in His arms. He's given so much for me to be afraid and turn away.

Pedal fast, pedal hard
You won't have to go that far

  

Sometimes, I just need to get out of my slump and go. I need to stop saying, "What if?" or "Why me?" but I need to start asking "What can I do to improve myself or others today?" The answer is right there. I can see it. I just am too worried about all the other crap holding me back that I forget to look forward.

We're really not that far apart

I really think that sometimes, I can't see the light and what opportunities are out there so I stop before it's too soon. When what's waiting for me is right within my reach. 

Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go

Sometimes, I just need to let go of the crap inside my head telling me to quit. The cliche that says listen to your heart. Yeah, it's there for a reason. So many good things have happened when I listened to my heart. I'm here, aren't I? This is good. I'm the envy of some and an example for most. I took the leap that many are afraid to do. That's what I hold onto when I get sad. I just say, "I did it." - And that comes from the heart.

You can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh
Never be alone oh oh oh

Running is great. Running away from your problems, running to the next best thing, running out of time - is not so great. I think sometimes I wait until it's crucial to do something and then I'm caught running. But, if I listen to my heart and do what I need to do (Sans excuses) I will be able to walk. And walking means I get to enjoy the people. I like that. Cause I've got awesome friends that will never leave me alone.

Forgot directions on your way
Don't close your eyes don't be afraid
We might be crazy late at night I can't wait til you arrive
Follow stars you'll be alright

You wanna give up 'cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart, sweet heart

Be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done

You can walk instead of run

'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh

Never be alone oh oh oh

You wanna give up 'cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart, sweet heart

Be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done

You can walk instead of run

'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone (never be alone) oh oh oh

Never be alone oh oh oh

When it's all said and done

You can walk instead of run

'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

There's a lot in life that is begging me to be negative and hold me back. It's out there, asking me to fail and asking me to give up on my dreams. But there is something else out there that is giving me the hope to hold on. He's giving me the power to follow my heart and trust Him. I mean, if I'm honest with myself, when has He ever let me down. Even if it wasn't what I wanted or needed, I learned from the situation and grew from it.

And at the end of this song, after dancing and bobbing and singing out loud, my heart gets a reality check. The check is that I'm not following my heart…I used to. Now I'm complacent. So what's going to change, where am I headed next, and what does God have in store for me now. 

Check it out here: 

When it all comes together

When I graduated high school, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: Television Production. There was never a question and there were definitely no take backs. I was diving in 100%.

But I wasn't mature enough to realize what that meant for my life. I actually wanted to be the next Diane Sawyer. I would watch GMA every morning before school and just be in awe of how something could be so well put together. (Mind you this was before Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum got too famous)(And yes, I'm talking about how a television show can be so put together, not Ms. Saywer). Television was remarkable. And all I knew was how to be "talent" and write a script for our 10 minute show "Jay Today". But it was remarkable.

I went to Indiana Wesleyan University as a Media Communication major. I was on top of the world. I was awesome. Everyone thought my major was cool (And so did I, if we're being honest). Nurses are boring, teaching wasn't for me - but television, I could do that. For someone who didn't like her picture taken, hated her own voice and didn't really have a sense of anything, but humor, I don't know why I ever thought I'd want to be on television.

So I started working at WIWU TV as a Communications Lab - TV student. I learned how to wrap cables and set up a camera. I learned how to be the pion who just watched and learned. Totally admiring all the staff (Station staff and Student leadership staff). And suddenly, behind the camera was much more appealing than in front. Then, they let me do video packages for their weekly news show, Crossroads. That was tons of fun. And I got to set up cameras and run camera at home games for our IWU teams. That was so cool! I had so much opportunity knocking at my doorstep, I didn't know what else to do.

Then, I formed a plan…naturally.
I was going to work for the station my sophomore year, then become just a student production assistant my junior year, then I could take over Crossroads as a senior. Shooting packages was so fun. I was learning to write and edit and shoot and interview. It was still only a matter of time before I met Fate.

I was then thrown into the world of sports. Sports had never been part of my family bonding, but we played them and I knew how they worked. I was in pep band so had to attend a lot of the games. I just kind of fell in love. Then with running camera (and even being able to do some replay) I fell more in love. I met so many people who were fanatics and I became interested. So, when the Sports Associate leader asked me to start helping her with our weekly coach's show, I couldn't say no. I was writing script, doing feature packages, sitting in the control room for games, I was hooked.

So, for the next two years, I took the Sports Associate position. I had AMAZING teams of people who pulled their passions and talents together to make it work. But, what I loved the most was the producing. The planning and the strategy. I loved being able to build relationships with my team, profs, bosses, coaches, athletic director, and everyone else. I loved being able to put my people skills together to produce something I loved and something I was proud of. All that while, I was following my dream. 

Then, it came the time when all that I learned and loved had to get shoved out the door and forced into the real world. That's where I am now. I'm finding that love and that passion again. Finding what out "here" matches up and gives me the joy I had in "there".

I think it'll be fun to work in sports again. It's thriving. It's energetic. It's intense. But, above all, it's what I love. And televising sports would just bring that all together.

Right now, I'm working as an Office Production Assistant at a small television production company in Minnesota. My eyes have been opened. I've learned so much more than I ever thought possible. I am seeing what all is out there. I'm exploring.

 These last 7 months since graduation have been a whirlwind. I've moved. Found a new church. Found new friends. Expanded professionally and personally. Now, I just have to get off my butt and find my dream again. There's something out "here" for me. And I will find it. And I won't give up until I have.