Fear of the Unknown

From as far back as I can remember, I have always said my biggest fear is the unknown.
There's very few things I won't try, but I will always be hesitant.

Lately, I've been thinking about what this winter is going to bring.
The only thing that comes to my head is "I'm scared."

I think it every day. Over,
And over,
And over,
And over.

I've decided to work on trust.
First and foremost, trust in the Lord.
But I'm also working on being vulnerable and real with myself.
In hopes to relieve some of that stress and anxiety that an uncertain future holds.

I told a friend, "As cheesy as it sounds, I'm trusting God's plan."
Her response, "He leads us as we do the work."

It was a nice reminder that I have control over what's going to happen.
I might not have ALL the control, but I can make it what I want.
God's plan is still going to come, but we have to work for it.

So…now,
If I want something, I'll go for it.
If I want to see change, I'll take the initiative to change.

That's not going to erase all uncertainty,
but it will sure help lead me to a place that I can feel comfortable.

<3XOT

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

So for the last few weeks, I've been completely stressed.
I've been hopping from one thing to the other and my mind has been filled with dates, meetings, commitments, and how to balance life.

I look back and wonder what I got done?
Did I complete anything?

The answer is yes.
Through it all, my lists got made, everything got checked off, and it all came together.
And somewhere in the middle, I had an epiphany.

It's my nature to be a planner.
I focus on details.
I am a master lister.
If I say I'll do it, I'll do it.
I am a planner and shit gets done.

So, the epiphany:
I used to think I didn't live in the moment because I was always planning.
However, I'm realizing I do enjoy life and what I'm doing day to day, even though I live my life based off of the plans I make. I do live in the moment, but plan 5 steps ahead and that's why I worry. That's where my stress comes from.

So to stop being so stressed and worrisome, my new goal is to start focusing on the joy that I feel during those moments, not how much more I have to do.

You wanna know what I've done in the past few weeks?
I've planned an awesome party for my sister's shower from 10 hours away, I went to the Minnesota State Fair, I've ran 5 miles all at once, I've spent time with families and children who mean so much to me, I've volunteered, I've rearranged my room, I've driven to Michigan, had job interviews, and planned my trip home.

None of that has been taken for granted and each opportunity that I faced, I breathed in the joy that it brought. I wouldn't change it for anything. The experiences, people, and places have given me more happiness than I can express. And I felt that happiness as it came.

I'm not saying change is going to happen overnight, because it's not, but I think I don't need to be so hard on myself because my life plan hasn't come together. I'm working on a way to continue my life at 100mph, but focusing on the joy I'm feeling as I do it. I know I enjoy myself and the people in my life - and that's going to be my sole focus.

<3XOT

The 1st effect of sin was fakeness.

I have cleaned my anxiety away.
I have cooked my anxiety away.
I have baked my anxiety away.
(Tomorrow, I'm going to run my anxiety away.)

But with so much change, comes so much trust.
Trust that what I'm doing and what I'm planning on doing is the right thing.

Pastor Peter was talking about being transparent and living in the light; sharing our temptations and struggles with someone who we trust. He then went on to explain that living in the light is hard. Which it is. Or else we would all do it all the time and there'd be no need for Pastor Peter.

I'm not going to share my temptations and struggles on social media because, well, that would be stupid. Because, frankly, I don't trust most of you with my deepest, darkest secrets (sorry, not sorry). But, I will share with you the one point that has caused me to reevaluate every time I said I was going to change and become better and walk in the light, but didn't.

Point #3 of the sermon: We're not convinced God's alternative is better than our own.
If anything, I should know that there is a plan out there for me.
A plan greater than any plan I could think of or imagine.
A plan that will leave me with more than enough.
A plan that I could not design myself.

But, first you have to take that step and become vulnerable and true to yourself and who you really need to be. It can be scary. For me, it's scary as hell. For me, I'm afraid of everything I'm going to have to give up. I'm afraid that I'm too damaged. (There, I'm being vulnerable for social media "friends". Happy?) But then Pastor Peter said the one thing I needed to hear to know that I can make these changes.
The Holy Spirit never condemns, it convicts.
The Holy Spirit never shames you, it uplifts you with truth.

In nine days, I will be back home with my family.
In nine days, I will have so many worldly burdens taken off my shoulders.
Until then, I will trust that what the Lord is doing in my life is for the best. I will trust His plan. And I will be vulnerable with people that I trust.

Because as much as I love cooking, baking, cleaning and (in case you didn't know, I'm taking up a new hobby) cake decorating, that anxiety will still be rooted in me. It will not go away until I can find the peace that passes all understanding. And that comes solely with trust in the Lord and walking in the light.