Like, it happened months ago, but I'm still going through it.
There's not an end in sight.
I've processed this with my closest girlfriends and my mom. But somehow nothing really clicked until I watched THIS.
Please watch it first, or you're not going to understand what I'm talking about.
So I've never really been in love before.
I've never given everything that I am to one person before.
And that was on purpose.
I didn't want to be vulnerable.
Now, let's back up one more step.
I'm open.
I'm outgoing.
I'm honest.
But I will not allow myself to be vulnerable.
There is a difference.
Two steps forward.
So I get in this relationship.
I make that connection.
The one that forces me to rethink who I am, and what I want out of life.
The one that kinda knocks me off my feet and I realize that maybe life isn't always about what I write in my planner.
It's a connection that is on the deepest level.
"Connection is why we're here." - Brene
And that's where the vulnerability comes into play.
Brene does a great job of explaining it, so I won't.
But I felt excruciatingly vulnerable the whole relationship (in the negative sense).
I didn't say "I love you" until he said it first.
I didn't suggest things I thought he might not like.
I worked my ass off to be what I thought he wanted out of a girl.
Because if he knew who I really was, he may not like me.
Now that sounds super depressing, yeah?
Well it wasn't like I wasn't being open, outgoing, or honest.
I was just reshaping my thoughts.
I was trying to be someone who was worthy.
I was giving myself a chance to see things from a different perspective.
I was just doing life, without being vulnerable (in the positive sense).
"The one thing that keeps us out of connection, is the fear that we're not worthy of connection."
It's an interesting thing, breakups.
Because they cause you to reflect on what life really is to you.
It forces you to understand who you are without someone by your side.
It challenges you to be ok on your own.
To have no connection, but still be worthy.
That was one battle I faced early on in the breakup.
I tried to justify things; I was too busy, too career driven, too unavailable.
And maybe all that was true.
But it didn't mean I wasn't worthy.
But somehow losing that connection made me feel just like that; unworthy.
Brene spins this around.
And this will be the biggest take away from the last 15 months of my life.
I am worthy.
What does that look like for me now?
Now that I don't have a connection to my ex?
What does that mean for my life?
"To fully embrace vulnerability."
"It's necessary."
"The willingness to say 'I love you' first."
"The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out."
"I know that vulnerability is kinda the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness.
BUT it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."
So what is my strategy?
What am I doing with my vulnerability.
Stop numbing it.
Stop feeding my emotion ice cream.
Because that numbs my joy.
Stop drinking the loneliness.
Because it drown the gratitude.
Stop making everything certain.
I'll never know why.
I'll never know how you can stop loving someone (at least not yet).
I'll never have an answer.
Stop perfecting.
My life will never be perfect.
No matter how skinny, smart or pretty I am, that won't bring him back.
Perfection isn't wired into us.
So it won't happen.
Stop pretending.
My attitude affects those around me.
My gossip and pity, is their gossip and pity.
No matter how many times I call him names or say I hate him, it doesn't mean he'll love me.
It means my friends have to roll their eyes one more time.
Do be vulnerable.
To love with my whole heart, even though there's no guarantee.
Do practice gratitude and joy.
To stop thinking the worst and embrace the thankfulness.
Do believe I'm enough.
Be kind and gentle.
I'm not saying this will happen over night.
I'm not saying this will happen over the next month.
But I'm saying it will be worth it.
To find myself in a place where I allow myself to love and be loved again.
To find myself in a place where I can make a mistake and be forgiven.
To find myself in a place where I am worthy of it all.
Sorry for the gibberish.
I hope you watch Brene Brown's video.
It's changed my life, and I hope it changes yours, too.
<3XOT
