A New Kind Of Prayer

Do you ever get tired of hearing "Give your plans up to God. He knows what's best for you"?!
Cause I do.

I have this problem. I'm a planner.
When it comes to making a plan, I dive in.
I think long and short term, if this or if that.
I make great plans. (I also want to give a s/o to all the friends and family that give me advice on how to make a better plan. But that's neither here nor there.)

Recently, I've been thinking about giving all my planning to God. What would I do? What would fill my time? What would give me hope that things would work out?

Now don't get me wrong, I trust that God has my best interest in mind. I trust that He made me perfect and has my path all planned out. I trust that He will provide. But I also truly believe that He made me a planner. That it was His thought and His hands that created me to look at life a little differently.

So, my prayer has changed.
Instead of saying "God I'm giving this up to you…" and then backing out and taking control again, I've started praying "God, this is my plan, please stop it, if it's not what you want of me."
It's kind of liberating. I've been less stressed. My anxiety is going down.












Try it for a week. See how you feel.

<3XOT

Life is like Basketball

Will Smith told me something yesterday. Ok, he didn't speak directly to me. And he didn't even say it yesterday. But the message was clear: Life is like Basketball.

As a Hoosier, I'd like to say "DUH!!!" but let me tell you why I think Will Smith hit the nail on the head during this interview with Jimmy Fallon.

Mr. Smith said he went skydiving because he's 45. He said it's because he is in the third quarter of his life. When a basketball team comes out after halftime, they don't just sit back and let the game happen, they're powered up and they're ready to fight. I think that's an awesome analogy as to where I am in my life right now.

If we break down the game:

The first quarter is when you establish yourself and your team on the court. You fight hard and fair to get your points and make your presence known. I think that can be wrapped up in all the time we spend with the educational system. We're fighting to learn and achieve and just make ourselves present. We show up, we gain points/knowledge. We don't have much after the first quarter, but there's enough to prove we're vibrant, living, productive members of society.

The second quarter (where I am now…) is when you have to hold your own. The other team (your peers) has established themselves too. It's now a full on battle. You have to fight to prove that all those points you earned in the first quarter are going to get you ahead. You've got to continue to work hard. You've got to keep earning points/knowledge. You've gotta keep playing fair, but if you need to take a :30 timeout, that's ok. If you need to grab a squirt of water, that's ok. Rehydrate, regroup and get going again. The game's not over. You can't stop.

Halftime: I would venture to say this is where my parents are. Where many of my friends' parents are. Their kids have all ran into the locker room and they're sitting on the bleachers listening to the athletic director ask trivia questions for prizes. They're just waiting for the next half. It's an in-between. It's not fun. You don't know what the second half is going to bring. But, they're willing to stick it out.

The third quarter (where Will Smith is…) is when you come out swinging. You're pumped. Halftime has allowed you to reflect on the first half of your life. All those points that have added up. It's allowed you to make a plan on where to go next. It's allowed you to grab the ball and start playing the game for you. This is the time you get back up out on the court and dominate. You put up more points and you pull ahead.

The fourth quarter is something I'm not familiar with at all. My grandparents fall under this category, so this is my analogy: You see the end. You know it's coming. But you don't give up. You don't let the  other team come back and beat you. You keep fighting until the end. You get more points (and if you're Reggie Miller you get them all right at the last second) and you finish the game strong. You make sure when the game is over, you've left it all out on the court.

And that is why I think life is like basketball.
And we can go ahead and add the cheesy Wayne Gretzky quote:

<3XOT

The Lessons I've learned.

Sometimes life can suck. Learn, grow, move on...

1. You can't trust everyone. You've heard the phrase, a secret between three people is only a secret if two are dead? Well that's so true. Because no matter how much you trust that person at this point in your life, it may not always be that way. And that person will know your secret. And secrets can get you into trouble. So unless you want everyone to know, keep it to yourself. And if it's really that bad, you probably shouldn't do it in the first place. Because people will find out. And you can't trust everyone.

2. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have to love you back. And vice versa. This is very important. There are people that I would give my kidney for. People that are dear to me. People that interest me and fascinate me. These people probably mean more to me than I do to them. Which is quite a bummer. Cause I think we'd be great together. Apparently not. But on the other hand, I've probably got people out there that are thinking that about me and I barely smile at them when I walk past. It's a hard fact of life, but when two people are supposed to be in each others' lives, their paths will cross at the right moment.

3. Something that looks too good to be true, probably is. You can win a million dollars, you can get free cake for a year, all your student loan debt can go away!!! Why wouldn't you take that deal? Oh yeah, because then they get your soul. On a smaller note even, if you're looking at something right now that you think would totally improve your life, ask if it would make you happy six months from now. If the answer is yes, do it. But chances are, it's just the next best thing.

4. Something that looks wrong, probably is. Do you ever get that gut feeling? An eery silence in your mind? That you just know something is off? I've gotten that before. Now, it's your chance to go forth and make that silence disappear. You have control to make the wrong, right.

5. Taking someone's opinion as the be all end all answer to YOUR life isn't good. Getting advice from your peers is a good thing. They know you and they can guess what is a right and wrong decision. But, if you're going to ask someone their opinion and then take it without consulting yourself first, you're in for some heartache. Ultimately, you know what's best for you. Asking opinions to get an educated opinion may be great, but your desires outweigh theirs. Listen to your heart.

6. Food can, in fact, be comforting in times of hardship. Blah blah blah diet. Yeah, well guess what diet, I'm gonna be a real grump and less productive and more hostile and definitely physically threatening if I don't get that McDonald's in my stomach. So just shut up and let me eat my feelings. In a week or so, the pain will subside and I'll be back to cabbage soup and salads for lunch.

7. Saying "I wish" doesn't get results. You must write down your goals, make steps to reach them, and then act upon those steps. Unless Robert Williams shows up at your doorstep today, I don't think any wishes are going to be granted without hard work.

I'm going to channel by inner Bob Frost and just remember that life in fact does go on...

Hurt

I've been hurt. 

I've hurt a lot.

I just want the world to be a happier place. 

Not the whole world. Just my world. 

I'm not my past.

And I don't know what the future holds. 

That hurt from my past has made my life really rough. I don't regret any of it, though. Some things I shouldn't have done. Some things were big mistakes. Some things in my past were completely out of my control. But I wouldn't be the person I am now if they hadn't had happened. I hope that one day the hurt from the past stops hurting my future. That what crap that's stuck in my heart will finally escape. That the ones that have been victim of my hurt will forgive me like I've forgiven myself. I have the power to overcome and the power to move on. And that's what I need.

There are very important things in my life, but sometimes as important as things seem, they can be very toxic. Whether it's people, places, or materialistic objects, I need to purge it. The bad. The angry. The bitter. The hurt. Things that make me ache and scream and physically fall ill aren't good. I wouldn't keep eating food that made me sick, so why should I keep putting emotions in my body that make me sick? 

I'm done. I'm done with the hurt. I'm done staying up late at night crying. I'm done feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I'm done being called names because I speak my mind. I'm done self-doubting. I'm done acting like I'm someone I'm not. 

I don't doubt there won't be hurt in my future. 

But I'm drowning in it right now. 

I just have to be done. 

There's a "right" world out there waiting for me.

It's not my past.

It's not filled with hurt. 

The Loss of My Home

There's a few thing about me that I'm not used to. I used to think being a free spirit would satisfy all my cravings. I'd meet new people and see new places. But there are a few things I miss out on by being away from the people I love.

I have felt this for a while, but now that I just did my love language quiz again, I realize that it's real feelings and not just homesickness. That there are some things in life you do *need* to be happy. And I know I will get there, no matter where I am. So for future friends...here's what you need to know about me. And the ones I have now, keep doing what you're doing. You rock.

#1 - Physical Touch
This is my top, and will always be my top Love Language. I need the hugs and the cuddling and the hand holding. It doesn't have to be romantic, although, I'm not opposed to that. But, shaking hands with 500 people doesn't solve my problems. Meeting more people doesn't do anything either. I need genuine people who want to watch movies with me. Or do physical activities with me. But it doesn't even need to be big. It could be putting your hand on my arm when we talk. Small things are just as important. But you've gotta mean it...

#2 - Words of Affirmation
This one is very difficult to differentiate. I don't need you to tell me I look good or that I have awesome hair (would would say that anyway?!?! haha!) I need you to affirm your feelings towards me. I need you to open up and speak truth to me. Just because you're talking to me, doesn't mean you're saying anything. Texting all day doesn't mean we've had a good conversation. Quality over quantity matters. Which leads me to my third point.

#3 - Quality Time
Being around people doesn't mean I feel noticed or loved. Just because I'm out in public doesn't mean that it's quality time. I'd rather have 2 hours with a group of people that I know actually care about me, then spend 10 hours sitting somewhere just having surface conversations with people.

There's part of me that likes the idea of being a "stranger in a city, where no one will know me" but there's also a part of me that needs close ones and needs the time spent with them. I'm getting there. It's all about progress. But, I can't help but think everyone I left behind...

Holidays

It's a funny thing. Easter and Fourth of July are the only holidays I remember. And if we're being honest, I never know the date of Easter, I just know because I was raised in the church and participated in Holy Week (which I love and believe in, by the way).  I also don't think of Christmas as December 25. I think of it as December 25th as my birthday and Christmas has been a "season" so far in my life.

Which means today, Valentine's Day, would've been forgotten by me, if it weren't for society. It would've been Friday February 14, 2014. I would've written the date 2/14/14 and did one of the little number diddies that I always do with numbers - two fourteens, 2/14/14. And I would've gotten on with my day. I would've sat at the coffee shop, got my oil changed and made stir fry just like I did today. But I wouldn't have had this nudging feeling like I was missing something.

I think, as I've grown up and lived my life, I've given my heart away. Little pieces at a time. To people who deserve it. People that I would give my life for. All to different degrees, though. But, since it's Valentine's Day, I've been thinking so much about my heart. And I've decided it's not wholly mine anymore. And I've decided I'm quite alright with that.

I want to be that person that loves, unconditionally. The girl who wears my heart on my sleeve and lets myself be vulnerable. I want people to know that they matter and they mean something to me.  I don't want to hold back. I want to be real and open and vibrant with people. And if that means that my heart isn't wholly mine, and if that means that even when someone leaves my life, they stay in my heart, I don't mind.

I may say I love you and I may show affection to many people, much more than others. But I mean it. I never say it if I don't mean it. I may act "young, wild, and free" at times, but that's just surface. I enjoy it in the moment, but they don't get my heart. They get my smiles and hugs and laugh. But the ones that I say I love you too. The ones that I can give smiles, hugs, laughs on top of stories, my time, my energy and most of all, my heart. THOSE are the ones I love.

So, yeah, it's Valentine's Day and I don't have a "Valentine". But so many people have a piece of my heart, and I feel like I have pieces of theirs, and isn't that what Hallmark wanted? Hearts on everything. Well there ya go.

If you want part of it, hit me up. I'd love to get to know you. And I mean that...from the bottom of my heart.

Isaiah.

Do you ever think that you were just meant to hear something?

I've been battling 3 things over the last few months: My career, my finances, and my relationships.
Those are big things. Like, really big things. Like, affect my life big.
So what have I been doing about it. Weeping, mostly. But also, I've been searching high and low for the "reason" all these things are happening in my life. I've been looking for who is going to make me feel special. I've been lusting after an African Safari and how much I'll have to save to get there. I've been wandering what my end goal of my career will be.

Then, out of nowhere, TWICE this weekend I've heard the most calming thing I've ever heard.
A very wise professor and my pastor both hit the nail on the head.
"The Lord does not waste and thing." and "There's no wasted years when you are serving the Lord."
They both (in their respective nature) assured me that I am on the right path, God is taking care of me, and that I've been magnifying my problems and forgetting what God is doing in my life.

The verse that was with the sermon today was in Isaiah 40.
Verses 10-11, specifically.
"Behold, the Lord God shall come with a strong hand, and his arm shall rule for Him; Behold, His reward is with Him, and His work before Him. He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those who are with young."

I'm not sure where that's going to take me, I'm a natural worrier and planner, so I always like to have a handle on things. But I think I'll be able to sit back and realize that it may not be today or tomorrow that I can afford that African Safari. But, God has a plan for me.

And I can always remember Isaiah 40: 29-31
"He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."