#tbt

Those of you who have only met me in the last five years may not know some things about me.
I used to be insecure.

The other day I picked up one of my old books that my small group did in high school called "Finding Out Who You Really Are".
It's a book that answers questions of how you see yourself and who you want to be - and how it lines up with God's plan for you.

I picked it up because I'm realizing I don't know how to answer those questions anymore. Over the last year (Yes, I've been in Minneapolis for a whole year now!!) so much of me has changed. I've gotten smarter, more independent, more reckless, more secure, more motivated, and more free. Just to name a few ways.

Moreover, in the last 5 years, I've become a totally different person.
My physical body has transformed from something I was ashamed of to something I'm proud to take care of.
My spiritual body has transformed from my beliefs merging with my parents into a belief system all of my own.
My emotional/mental body has transformed from my circle of friends and mothers care into a grown woman facing the world as an individual with a massive support system.

It's really just funny to sit down and see the differences of how I see the world now.
For instance, the first chapter's very first question is: Go ahead and list three things you really dislike about yourself.
My 16-year-old answers were: My hair, it never does what I want. I think I'm too fat. My toes are nasty…end of discussion.  (WTF, Tricia. Your toes, really?!? You thought people cared about your toes?!?!)
Seven years later my answers have become much different. Deeper, really. Two out of three of them are about my inner self. The way I think and the way I talk to people.

Question 11 asks something that I am still thinking about. So I can have an honest answer and actually take the steps to do it. It asks: What do I think I would really care about 100 years from now?
16-year-old me: If I was who I wanted to be and loved the way I wanted to be loved. (Thanks, I couldn't have been a little more specific?! Who remembers how they wanted to be loved at 16? Oh yeah…The Notebook.)

It's funny, really the way I've changed inside. The way I put my attitude first, rather than my appearance. (Don't get me wrong, I still own loots of mirrors.) And that some things haven't changed at all. I still like the color orange, the month december, flamingos, chicken, trucks, snow and Washington DC.

But, I'm glad I've changed. I'm glad I'm a little less worried that I might be fat or ugly and more worried about if I'm making myself, others, and God happy. And when I'm 123-years-old, it's not going to be my toes that I'm thinking of, but the mark I've left on the world.

<3XOT

Manipulation

So I've been watching TOOONNNSSS of Gossip Girl lately.
The biggest themes in that show are manipulation and betrayal.
Everyone does it.
But the sad thing is, as I watch it, I can relate to a lot of those people.

No, I'm not some fashionista on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
But I've had people walk all over me. People I care about and I thought cared about me.
I've had people talk behind my back. People have said very hurtful things to me.
All this so they look better and look like they're doing a good service for me.

Lately, I've encountered so many of the people I thought I could trust have started backstabbing me. I don't know who I can trust anymore (besides my mom), everyone is out for themselves. Occasionally, I'd get the message that people were looking out for me - but the only stipulation was that I did what they wanted me to do and what they thought was best for my life. And those messages were just to make themselves seem better, like their lives were more superior than mine. But I'll be damned if anyone but me knows what's best for my life.

Most recently, I've been told that I'm giving up on my life goals, career goals, and desire for a loving spouse. People have said hurtful things about me behind my back and then acted like they have no clue what I'm talking about, and people have just stabbed me in the back and told my secrets to others who have no reason to know. They have told me they don't understand me and that I'm being selfish and rude.

And why do they say this? Because I'm not living my life their way.
But guess what…listen up and listen up closely:
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I WAS.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I AM.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHO I EVER WILL BE.

So where does that leave me?
I want to be able to trust others. I want to be able to not have to worry about if my friends are really my friends. I want to be able to wake up in the morning knowing I'm unconditionally loved by those who say they love me…no matter what my choices are. But, after a few months of battling this shit, I'm guessing I'm not going to get what I want.

If blocking these people out of my life is what it's going to take, then I guess I'm going to have to cut ties and burn bridges with people that I thought really mattered. Because two-faced, manipulative, backstabbing bitches have no room in my life. Not now, and they really never even should have for the last year.

And as GG has taught me, once a manipulator, always a manipulator.

<3XOT

Both Sides of the Track

I've been on both sides of the track.

The first was when I was in college. I was very uptight. Those of you who knew me, knew I didn't give to thoughts about what I looked like or what I wore. I worked hard and didn't really "play" at all. I liked to work out and I liked to have intellectual conversations with friends. I didn't put much effort into dating and tried to be around my family as much as possible.

The the other side was this past few months. I let go of my job,  I let go of my care, I let go of my morals and values. I changed. I went out with a lot of guys. I drank a lot of drinks. I ate a lot of ice cream.

And after a night of pure carelessness, I had an epiphany.
Well, it was more of a friend telling me what she sees.

That first side of the track was when I was building my foundation of me. I was putting the bricks in place and building myself up. Then these last couple months, I've been filling in the cracks of what I had missed on the first side.

So now I'm finding a happy medium.
I'm finding how to work hard and play hard.
I'm finding how to feel confident and casual.
I'm finding how to let people in without becoming a chameleon.
I'm finding that I can be on both sides.

<3XOT

Self Aware

I haven't been sleeping much lately.
Not because I can't sleep or I'm too busy, but because I'm enjoying life.

It's currently 10:38 on a Thursday night and I just go inside from reading my book. And the only reason I came in was because I finished it.

That's the thing I've discovered lately.
I don't need a timeline or a plan or a schedule.
I need wonderment and adventure.

I've been talking a lot lately. Not about anything in particular, but I've just been seeing people and meeting people and making the contact with people back home I failed to make contact with earlier this year.

The biggest thing I've taken away from this talking and what I've slowly come to realize is that I'm finally doing what makes me happy.
I can't help but use the quote my sister told me, "Do what feel right for as long as it does, and when it doesn't, stop."

So that's what I've been doing lately. Which has led me to here - two nights before I'm supposed to move into my new house - going out for dinner, sitting by the lake and then taking in the front porch to finish my book, not packing or even worried that I don't have a bed to sleep on yet. But I'm happy.

I don't know how long this laissez faire attitude is going to last.
But as long as I'm happy and I don't have people trying to bring me down, I'll be ok!

Understandings.

I can't help thinking about the old Disney show "Camp Rock".
You know the one that stars the Jonas Brothers and Demi Lovato?

I guess why I keep thinking about it is one of the songs that she sings.
The lyrics say - "This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Gonna let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am. There's no way to hold it in. No more hiding who I wanna be. This is me."

Lately I've felt that people and the world are trying to take that away from me. 
I finally got to the point in my life where I loved who I was and where I was going. It wasn't the cookie cutter, picture perfect image that many people assumed I would create. Being a privately educated, Christian, strong-willed woman, most people see wholesome white picket fences chasing after my dreams. That's not where I am right now. But I love me. 

Then, all the sudden it was like no one approved or no one could understand why I was doing what I was doing. 

In their defense, half of my decisions now are made on the spot. So I don't have a lot of time to weigh the pros and cons.
But in my defense, I process and learn by talking out loud. The people I tell things to may not be my closest, bestest, most trustworthy friends, but I would still like to think the best in people. That they don't judge others. I am who I am and I shouldn't have to hide it around anyone. Not even strangers.
Back in their defense, they probably don't care about half the shit I tell them, I just need an ear. 

Regardless, I'm tired of people trying to judge me and what I'm doing. Yeah, I've made mistakes and I'm not following the course on which I originally set out. I probably am not the best person I could be right now and I know I've got a lot of skeletons in my closets. But what right does that give anyone to make me feel belittled or unworthy?!

I guess I just feel like everyone is quick to judge and slow to understand. Even if it's not what you want me to be doing or you think I should be doing, it's my life, guys. I've gotta take my own steps and make my own decisions. As friends, you should just be my support. I'm a smart girl. Not everything I do will be perfect (Lets be honest, nothing will be) but everything I do makes me one step closer to the woman I'm becoming. 

I know deep down I'll find that perfect path that is going to be awesome and I'm going to wonder how I ever settled for anything less. But if I didn't have these times of questioning, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now. Please just understand that.

<3XOT

A Breakup Ballad.

If you're looking for a good breakup song, just turn on Owl City Pandora station.

You'll get Safetysuit, OneRepublic, Lifehouse, The Killers, Parachute and of course Owl City.
There are occasional upbeat songs, like Florence's "Shake It Out". But for the most part, they're cheesy romantic, make you wanna cry with a glass of wine songs.

I guess it doesn't necessarily have to be a breakup you're going through. It could just be a change in your life that you weren't expecting or weren't planning for. It just leaves you wondering so many "What ifs…" Or maybe you were planning for it. But that doesn't make the grass look browner anywhere else.

You still wonder. You still look at that one thing and it reminds you of all the good times you had and that you don't want to leave it behind. You still hear that one song and think about what good times you had when that song was playing - like the soundtrack to your lives. You still use a trick that you learned and think how much more you could've learned and grown if you would've worked just a little harder. You still wonder.

And then all this sappy music plays and it makes it worse. And you just want to snuggle with your best friend and drink wine and just forget that there's ever difficulty in life.

But then something good comes along.
And you just ride that high, knowing you can't change the past. And even though the past hurts and it blurs your vision of the good in front of you, you made that decision for a reason. And you're going to be ok. You still wonder. But you've thought about this decision and you know it's what's best.

For now.
For now you still wonder.
But you do what you set out to do.
And you can't look back, cause that does nothing for you.
You just go.
Head first.
Head strong.
While listening to Owl City on Pandora.

<3XOT

Finding Your Own Happiness

I was unhappy.
Mostly with myself. Because my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted. How I had planned.
I wasn't on the road to a million dollar position in the field I loved. I wasn't on the road to marriage, although the majority of my friends were married or well on their way. I wasn't summer body ready, because I had enjoyed one too many bowls of ice cream. I wasn't able to be close to my family and friends in Indiana and have them comfort me through the rough spots.
I was unhappy.

So what were my options now?
I could run away. I could go back to my comfort zone and stop chasing my dreams and stop exploring (like I've ALWAYS wanted to do).
I could rebel. I could just say f**k you to the world and go all crazy and just live a reckless life.
I could find the things in my life that I have and I could be happy again.

I just so desperately wanted to be happy. Whatever that meant.
Owl City's new release did a great job of explaining it:
"I fought all through the night

Oh, oh, but I made it aliveThe sun stormed arrivesOh, oh, these are BEAUTIFUL TIMESThis part of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard,But I'm gonna survive!Oh, oh, these are BEAUTIFUL TIMES!"


I don't have a million dollar position in the field I love, but I have a job. I have a reason to get up in the mornings and go to work and build my resume. I have a purpose and a place in a company. It's my first job. You don't graduate into being a CEO.
I don't have a significant other, no. But I have love. For many different people in different ways. And most importantly, I have love for myself. And I know who I was and what I've done and I know that I won't put up with anything less than what I deserve. And that hasn't got here yet. Yet.
I've never had a summer body, who am I kidding? But I'm healthy. I'm in shape. I can go put on my little running pants and make it around the lake. I can do yoga and zumba. I can eat oranges and ice cream (sometimes in the same day). I can be me.
I'm not close to my family, physically, but I've learned that proximity doesn't make you any closer. They are there for me, 100% of the time. Even from 650 miles away, not a single one of them has forgotten about me and has given me more than I could ever have asked. Every single one of them.

I was unhappy about my circumstances. I was unhappy I didn't have it all.
So I prayed. For months. For some kind of sign. For some kind of door to open.
I never got an answer. Until recently.
And when it rains, it pours. And it is pouring good things on me.
I'm still working out the kinks of how to be an adult and do this thing called life. But being unhappy while you're doing it is never the way to go.

I know that now.

Now, I am happy.